Complete

My baby, yes I sometimes call him that and no he does not appreciate this, anyways, my baby mentioned to me today that he thinks we need to have a baby in our family. It breaks my heart that he will never know the joy of having a baby in the home, and will never experience being a big brother. And then there's another part of me that knows how much that would also devastate his world! I got to thinking about how, to him, this is the only family he has known... our complete family will have been his only family. And then the person in me who is freaking out about seeing a therapist started to analyze over whether that gives him a more stable childhood. My thought process then turned to how our family has changed; how rapidly it grew, and how suddenly it has ceased growing, but still continually changing. And now I'm feeling old and all sentimental. Nothing has happened the way I thought it would in my adult years, marriage and motherhood were two accidental happenings that tripped me and I've fallen head over heels in love. Here's that story in pictures:

1999

2001

2002

2003

2003

2004

2005

2007

2008

And yes, I know we're overdue for a new family picture. But when your family is complete... there's no real push! Also when your favourite photographer friend lives too far away... anyways, hopefully this summer we'll update!!! (Our family pictures, that is... not our "complete" family.)

{some things never change}

Entrepreneur

This boy spent a few days of his spring break trying to make money. One day was spent breaking little rocks in half (hmmmm... wonder where he found the rocks). Then he made signs, which he held on his stick for a while until he grew tired and wise and used the stop sign on the corner to hold them. He suckered his little brother into hollering with him: "Gems, gems for sale!" And boy is he quite the salesman. He would show off his special gems and then quickly sell you another. He made a few dollars: selling them for 24 cents a gem or 4 for a dollar (which makes me laugh every time)! Poor guys still has signs up and gems out front, hoping people will stop and buy. He can't understand why people aren't running over. I think Mr. Man needs to teach him about supply and demand.

Taking the Plunge

I made my first appointment with a therapist. Well, to be honest, she's on vacation until Thursday but I left a message... since it took a lot just to make that initial call. I almost laughed after I left the message, since I sounded so sane, so calm, so positively happy on her voice mail... I wonder what she'll think of me. Not that sane, calm and happy people don't see or need therapists, but it's so different from how I felt and sounded a few months ago that it startled me. That, and the fact that it took me this long to feel like I could make the call. And now I can't stop thinking and worrying about what it will be like meeting her and having, well, therapy sessions.

My first time meeting with a psychologist, or was it psychiatrist, and what's the difference anyway... was fleeting and a complete failure. Basically, this man listened to me pour my heart out and sob away, stared at me and said, in complete seriousness: "No amount of therapy can cure you... you need to be medicated right away." In his defense, it was probably true at the time, but that statement has stuck with me and made me feel that I am "helpless" when it comes to therapy. This is a giant leap.

Hollywood has given me so many pictures of therapy, that I'm not sure what to really expect. Part of me wonders if I should interview a bunch, like we did when finding our real estate agent, to make sure I find the right one. But how do I even know if I find the right one? Will I get to lay down? Will I be asked questions after questions or just expected to start talking about every minute detail of my life from childhood? How often should I go? What sorts of things will I be told about myself? What changes will I have to make to become the healthy happy person I want to be? What if no amount of therapy can cure me?

Babbling.

Maybe I can find a therapist who will let me write back and forth.

I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe.

Home Finale

I have sick kids, and have been single-parenting it. SO this post will be brief... but still lovely (to me at least!)

8) Above the mantle. The fireplace is the ugly point of my house, and we have grand plans for it but have yet to tackle them. But I LOVE our handmade frame and map that we have above the mantle. Love pointing out different places in the news, or discussing places we want to travel...
9) Boys' Room. It's a nautical theme, and painted blue - though you can't really tell. Mostly I love their lego table that Mr. Man built them and the hours they spend there (and inevitably all the lego still ends up on the floor). Them playing together makes me smile.
10) My pretty rug in my front entry, and our handsome cat ready to make a run for it when the front door opens.
11) My pretty front door. I adore this door. Recently we've been talking about how to add more curb appeal and color to our home, and painting the front door is so not an option!!!
12) The upstairs hallways - displaying the kids' recent art.
13) My ancestor wall above the piano.
14) The Preschooler's room. He has a big bed, and whenever we have company guests stay in his room. So I wanted it to be nice and bright to still feel like a little boy's room. I should snap more pictures of his bedding and such, but these are the things about his room that make me smile the most: his books, his siblings gathering to build and play, his ABC canvas.

So come and visit, and you can give me some decorating tips while enjoying the current comforts of my home and this oh, so lovely view from The Preschooler's room.
Thanks for meandering my home with me.

Home is where my Heart is

...Continued from yesterday...

4) Another corner of my home that makes me happy. My "certain curtains" that I never posted pictures of (but merited a whole blog post of their own). This room has such large windows and the curtains add just the right touch without taking away from both the brilliant natural light and outdoor views. And then there are the plates. The bottom one was my Oma's, from Holland of course, and reminds me so much of a terrible childhood tragedy, that I just know it will be destroyed by one of my children one day. Mom, I'm not sure if you know this, but remember that Dutch plate you had on the corner of the mantle by the front door at our Southdale house? Remember how one day it fell and crashed into a million pieces as we were all leaving for school? I was very much to blame for that (though I won't name names of the others involved). And I couldn't understand why you were so upset about a plate... we talked the whole way to school about why on earth you were crying and screaming about a blue and white plate. Now I understand. I'm sorry.

The plate in the middle was given to Mr. Man and I when we got engaged by a relative... look closely, it's sweet. The one on top was brought home by Mr. Man when he went to Istanbul, Turkey last year and nearly died. I think they look pretty there.
5) The kids' play kitchen. It fits perfectly in this little nook in my kitchen. And is used and loved by all children who enter our home. It is also a catch-all for random items. If you can't find it, we say to look in the kitchen - and we mean THIS kitchen.

6) Miss J's bookshelf. Not even half of her books are here, and she really needs a tall one... but I love glancing at her shelves and seeing who she was, who she is, and who she is becoming. There are favourite princess books from younger years on the bottom shelf (and the princess lamp on the top), her musical Noah's Ark from when she was a baby, roses she's saved and dried, an "I like me" display with her picture from Activity Day's, her microphone and clock stereo for blaring and singing to her music... not to mention all the books!
7) Miss J's desk to match her specific "pink and brown" room coordinating colors. I looked and hunted for this desk forever and finally found it for a great deal on craigslist of course. We spray painted it and presented it as her birthday gift a couple of birthdays ago. I can't count all the hours she has spent at this desk. You can see her art kit on the floor behind it... and her "bright" pink curtains that she likes to have flowing in the butt freezing cold breeze as she stares out her mountain view window for inspiration.

I'm loving this little exercise of mine. It makes me happy and very less green! And lest you think the grass is always greener, I challenge you to look around your home and find the nooks and crannies (or perhaps full-out rooms!) that make your heart happy too.

I still have a few more pictures to share. So you can know in advance to skip reading tomorrow if you're bored to death... this is also a journal of sorts and I haven't bored myself to death quite yet.

Not Easy Being Green

I've been a little bit green lately. I hate feeling envious or jealous, but sometimes another woman's cute jeans, amazing haircut, or clean car just shout out at me, and stare me down to the point that I feel, well, green. It's not very often. I think it may have to do with the fact that we are going on way too many months of snow here... and so anything else is looking better.

At any rate, I've been trying to get some ideas for decorating our master bedroom. I am NOT a decorator and have not a matchy decor bone in my body. So I've been browsing catalogs, blogs, etc. for basically step-by-step ideas to follow. This, of course, has led me to be more confused than ever, and also quite, ahem, green.

My home will never look like those magazines and superb decorators. And really I don't want it to. I want my home to be simply beautiful and to be wholly lived in. This evening I went around my home snapping quick pictures of the things I love most. I didn't tidy up before hand, and I didn't really think things through... but wanted to capture what and how I love my home. It helped me get rid of the greens and realize how lucky I am. Today I'll share three: 1) I love this little nook of my home. (Yes I still need to paint the vents behind the same color as the wall, and the books are really overflowing there...) When we moved into our home, the walls and rooms were so much bigger than anywhere we'd lived before, and we knew we needed some bigger artwork. Being cheap, Mr. Man and I utilized what we had and I found a simple tutorial to turn some posters we had (The Constitution, and the Declaration of Independence) into mounted art. I invisioned a console table there from the start, and, after explaining to Mr. Man WHAT exactly a console table was... I showed him a Pottery Barn version I adored and he went ahead and made it for me. I love it so much, and love having a special place for all our library books. The antique typewriter is meaningful to me in so many ways, and was a beloved Christmas present from Mr. Man (picked out by me!) The small chest is where I typically have a plant given to me by a wonderful friend, but I'm working on trying not to completely kill it right now and it needed more light... so this is its replacement for the time being. There are usually lego and star wars guys all over this table and typewriter... and to me, this is beautiful and meaningful.
2) This clock was Mr. Man's grandmother's clock. It is the heartbeat of our home. I love that it hangs in our front room, but that it is also visible from the family room when I sit in my favourite spot on the couch. I love the red that we have used as a paint color probably too often, but the children love that we always have either a red wall or a red room... and I hope they'll remember that forever. After multiple attempts and curtain returns, I finally found the ones I love for this room. And so this is another corner of my home that simply feels like home.
3) My porch swing. This was my birthday gift last year. Also made by the talented Mr. Man. We have run out and watched many sun sets on this porch, and hundreds of books have been read on this swing. Sitting and watching my children play or return from school feels so complete when I'm on this special swing.

So there you go... I've definitely found today that counting your many blessings can help get rid of the greens, blues, or reds of your many coloured days.

Manhandled by the Family

One of the things I love about my in-laws is how much they all make fun of each other. I've been the butt of a few good ones, and I admit that I've even chosen to have my feelings hurt. That was before I discovered that making fun of each other is how they show love. No, really. It's so different from my family, and yet I think it's wonderful! The almost weekly calls and email diatribes that go on between these people are hilariously mocking yet loving. I'm sharing one from this week, just to demonstrate my point, and to let those with young fighting children know that 1) the quarreling will never end; and 2) that's not such a bad thing.

Mr. Man's original email to his family with the subject, "Manhandled":

So I was taking {The Preschooler} to preschool this morning and we decided to listen to the radio. The song 'dyanmite' was on and he enjoys this song alot. After that song, there was some dj talk and then it went to another song, a 'girl song' according to {The Preschooler}. From my perspective, I simply spaced out during the talk and was thinking about what I need to do at work when the girl song was going on. From {The Preschooler's} perspective, I am not a man. About a minute into the girl song, he asks, "Dad, can we turn off the radio or do you like girl songs?" I told him I didn't notice and that I can turn it off. He then went on to say "That's okay if you like this, it just I don't". So, I guess in my son's eyes, I am no longer a guy, but a fem.

Also, I just got my paper "Reevaluating the Effect of Non-Teaching Wages on Teacher Attrition" published in the Economics of Education Review.

The Responses/Mocking Dialogue to his Email:

1) Awesome news about your publication. Can you send me the article?

2)G:

First J ... then you !

W, we are the last of the “ men “ in this family !

3)Interesting...we are also the only "men" who own firearms

4)True again ...

J – G - Hanna Montana anyone !

5) Wow... I have been completely emasculated!

6) Oh My Gosh, we have the same sunglasses!

7) I think they're closet Justin Bieber fans!

8)You know you're white suburbia when you use the word 'firearms' to refer to your gun

9) I gave them the benefit of the doubt with Hannah, however, it seems to be going down the “ don’t ask ... don’t “ tell road.

10) {Your wife} once mentioned that with more children the kid's journals got thinner. This is something you definitely need to record. What a little man.

Knock on Wood

Remember my post about pictures... well I should have knocked on wood, because now my camera is having issues and I can't take pictures if I wanted to. I decided to borrow Miss J's camera until I get mine up and running again. First I had to clear out her memory card, and boy was it fun to see what she chooses to capture. Here's a random mix... but I think you'll notice a trend. She obviously captures what she loves.

"I should have been a great many things"

I had a required one-on-one meeting with one of my professors today. We were supposed to discuss our writing portfolios: corrections and rewrites and thematic issues. I walked in and started to pull out my portfolio and she stopped me saying that I obviously know how to write and we have nothing to discuss but the weather. We had an enjoyable chat about different issues in our field and class topics, and also got to know each other a bit better. She asked what I wanted to do with my schooling and my life and I told her that I want to teach preschool or kindergarten and am excited to complete my reading emphasis to enable me to be a reading specialist for K-12. Her eyebrows raised a bit, and she asked me why I was back in school to do that. I tried explaining again how ages three to five are my favourite, my passion for increasing literacy and how much I love teaching. In not so many words she basically said that she thought I could and should do more with my life... that she expected more out of me. My first thought was a quote from "Little Women" when Jo tells a group of men that "indeed [she] should have been a great many things." I know I'm capable, I know all the opportunities I could have if I so choose... and yet after that initial thought I immediately got defensive. My biggest responsibility and opportunity, my most important life work is being a mother to my children. While I could "do so much more," for the time being I can't possibly do so and still be the mother I want or need to be. And I also realize that, to at least four little people, I am a great many things.

Gender Discrimination

One of my classes I'm taking is focusing a lot on our innate or created biases, and how we can attempt to comprehend those possible prejudices and still maintain equality as a teacher in a classroom. It's been quite interesting for me to look at myself and my preferences and then to learn more about differences: different cultures, socioeconomic statuses, genders and disabilities.

And so it made me laugh to walk in to my bathroom the other night and know immediately that a boy had been there! What do you think, am I too quick to judge?
At least I'm aware of my prejudices. That's the first step apparently.

The Weight Debate

It's to be expected that someone who is being treated for depression and anxiety will be slightly depressed and anxious over the side-affects of the medication she is on. At least that's how it is for me. For months I had insomnia with a pill that claimed a potential side-affect of drowsiness. And yet, I am am sure that the listed side-affect of weight gain is in fact a promise. I can't tell myself otherwise.

In the fall when I severely depressed I couldn't eat anything and lost between 10-15 lbs. The irony was, that I couldn't even be happy about it! Once I went on anti-depressants, it took several weeks but I gained back every last pound I had lost without even trying. Mr. Man thought it was because I finally had my appetite back and the desire to live. A friend told me I was just probably back at my ideal regular weight. But I know differently.

I have an insatiable hunger all the time that I have never experienced before. I am always hungry, and I will eat absolutely anything - even things I don't like - to try to satisfy that need. When I try to not eat, it's all I can think about. When I'm full, I think about what I will eat next and how soon I can eat it. It has taken all I have this week to have a salad every day for lunch (to try to compensate for all my other eating!) But this isn't all I'm obsessed with, I'm also being driven mad by my scale: the scale I can't stop getting on, the scale I think about all the time as I think about what I'm going to eat, and the scale that keeps fluctuating throughout the day. Yes I now weigh myself several times a day, I can't stop thinking about it and so I have to get on to check. I used to only weigh myself at the doctors. It's a horrible obsession. And I blame it all on my pill.

Mr. Man and I are finally heading back to Hawaii this spring and I have wonderful visions of myself fitting in a bikini again - or at least a swell swimsuit. But at the same time, all I can think about is the different restaurants and delicious food I'm going to eat while I'm there. It's a problem.

Littlest Guy's Journal

I have little journals for each of my kids. The eldest has many entries by both Mom and Dad as though we were her at age 2 months and so forth. The second has monthly entries that mostly compile what he is up to and little cute comments he made. The third has mostly the "overheard" cute things kids say. And the fourth... well his journal doesn't even have his name in it. Bummer. But he also has way more pictures taken of his baby and toddler years (praise digital cameras... now if I could just get them all printed) and he does have an active blogger Mommy... so he's not off too badly. At any rate, if you find me recording more of the cute things this guy says, it's because of his lack of a journal and also... well my big kids don't often say cute things anymore. Annoying. Guess I need to pull out their journals at times to remember when they were so darn adorable. Don't get me wrong, I think they're adorable, just minus the speech impediments and wacky brain connections that make the wildest things come out of their mouths.

Here's the short list for the week, I really wish I could remember them all.


"I'm exhausting!" (He says this quite often when he's tired, but I always agree - hee hee!)

"I almost flushed me down the toilet and then I would die. But don't worry Mommy, Jesus will make me back alive if I don't like it in the sky."

"I can't eat my chicken, all my teeth fell out." (He has two brothers that are missing a multitude of teeth right now and can't eat things like apples!)

"I don't have any friends. Only people who want me to be there friend but I'm not."

"Cookies are good for MY body." (After telling him that too many cookies aren't good for our bodies.)

"When I had no teeth I used to nurse on you." (When he walked in on me getting out of the shower.)

"It's called HIDE and GO SEEK Mom. I hide and YOU go seek."

(These pictures are from me trying to get a picture of his hilarious hat head... it turned into a game of chase and hide and go seek. I have about 20 outtakes too!)

you don't know what you've got till it's gone

Not long ago I ran into an aisle of books and nearly died. I am so far behind in reading new books.

I pointed at almost every other book and informed Mr. Man that I just HAD to have and read them. And then I sighed. My readings are much more informative than entertaining for now. And my leisurely book-reading has entered a temporary pause as I read and study textbooks that cost way more than any hardback bestseller would ever dream of selling for. And then I said it: "I miss being a stay-at-home mom and sitting around and reading all day." Mr. Man looked at me strangely, because that's what I had been trying to convince him I was NOT doing for years! And really I wasn't... but you know there are definitely days you can sacrifice housework and mothering (well) and just let yourself get carried away by a good, or at least entertaining, book.
I miss having my little crazy crew... they are growing up way too fast into these responsible but very funny people. And I never really understood when people said that the baby, toddler and preschool years really were the most laid back and easy times. They were so busy and so hard at so many times, and yet they are gone and I miss them. Those were the good old days. It's something you have to live through to believe and understand. Because NOW life is so busy and crazy (don't tell me about the teenage years... this is all I can handle for now). And so I am glad that amidst it all, I HAVE enjoyed the moments - while always looking forward and a little bit back. I think life isn't just about living in the moment, but of gathering past moments and preparing for future moments as well. Because whether the grass is green, brown or covered with a pile of snow, it's what we have and it's better than a parking lot.

An Honest Day's Work

It must be in the air, because I feel like several people have re-dedicated themselves to family fun in 2011. We have made it a priority to do one BIG and FUN family activity each month. We had decided a while ago to spend President's Day (a day we ALL have off) to finally take our family skiing. We live minutes from several ski resorts, and I swear we're the only family living here that doesn't spend every weekend skiing or having our kids do ski school. So we decided we would do it. Scary. Mr. Man has only skied once before, the kids NEVER, and I have never skied on a REAL mountain. Much to our dismay, the kids were not thrilled at all. In fact they were very insistent that they did NOT want to go skiing. They were scared and unsure and so that made me even more dedicated to taking them skiing so they could see how much fun it would be. At the same time, we wondered why we were going to drop so much money on something we would have to drag our children to do.

On Friday, Mr. Man asked what I thought about a quick weekend getaway instead of going skiing. We found a hotel a few hours away with an indoor water park and quickly made a reservation. The kids were delighted with the change in plans... and off we went. It's funny what living in a small town will do, but we also found great joy and good deals at stores we don't have: Kohls, Toys'RUs and eating at Olive Garden. And we spent hours and hours swimming and sliding and having fun at the water park.


And yes, I was the screaming woman getting thrills going down the slide!
It was a pure delight to be inside in steaming swimsuits while the snow came down the temperature outside was a mere 3 degrees Fahrenheit.

When it was time to head home, Mr. Man went to scrape off the car and heat it up while I checked out. I was looking over our bill and was a bit puzzled by how little it was. Since I had estimated how much our weekend getaway would cost. I realized that we had been charged for our room but not for our 6 swim park passes. So I went back to the front desk and let them know I thought I'd been undercharged. The one lady at the front desk just looked at me and said: "Wow! Why are you being honest?" I felt almost guilty and a bit self-righteous, while I hadn't even thought twice about it before. The gentleman serving me called up the water park front desk and tried to sort things out on his computer (since we had billed them to our room) and finally looked at me, called me by name and said "Thanks for your honesty. You swam free this weekend. Have a good day."

So great!!! And what a good ending to a fun weekend and a great story to tell my kids. We are reading these great books "Knights of Right" written by a young 17 year old high school student that are adventurous as well as teaching great principles in an effective manner. We had just been reading about honesty! I told the kids we could have swam free without me going back up to the front desk, but that I would have felt horrible; honesty really does pay off, even if we have to pay up. Just this time we didn't!

And now we have a day off before we get back to real life too (a day of homework for me). It was so worth it to get away. Life is good.

Overheard

Miss J was struggling to get her brothers to listen to her, exasperated she declared:
"You're not even listening to me. Here I am talking, and you're just acting like you're on Mars or something."
Little E: "Mars? Mars is so cool. It's the planet the farthest from the sun."
Miss J: "That's Pluto."
Little E: "Oh right. Pluto is so cool.
Miss J: "Well stop acting like you're on Pluto."

*******************************************
Little E has been looking for his Indiana Jones whip. He has all the other gear, and was trying to get his Dad to help him look for it.
Dad: "Well, what will I get out of it? Can I wear your boots if I find your whip?"
Little E: "No. They're too small for you."
Dad: "Can I wear your vest?"
Little E: "No. Dad, just help me look."
Dad: "Can I shoot off your gun?"
Little E: "No. I need my gun."
Dad: "Well then, what will I get if I help you look for it?"
Little E: "A good feeling."

Home Sick

It's been a week. Man oh man. I know we're ALL super busy people, and it's boring to hear what other people are busy doing all the time, but this is MY blog and I want to look back and know what I did in all of my busyness.

Sunday was a good day. I got lots of things checked off my to-do list, fulfilled my calling to the best of my abilities, and even had a decent family home evening. We also had people over for dinner. This is huge for me right now. We used to LOVE having people over for dinner and games all the time, but it's been months and months and months since I could even wrap my mind around having people over. So I took the plunge, invited, they accepted and came and it was good.

Of course I had forgotten that I had also invited the LDS missionaries over for dinner on Monday (for valentines day) too... and two days in a row of company was a little too much for this recovering mama.

Other than that valentines day went without a hitch. Mr. Man thanks my math professor for assigning a probability and statistics exam for the day after valentines day... since the odds of me spending any time with him were quite low. However, we are planning a big ALONE trip for the near future which should help increase the probability of romantic time alone.

Tuesday: school, exam, taekwondo, dinner, baths, books, homework, start studying for another midterm.

Wednesday I mostly studied for my midterm today, then of course the kids had an early release day so I took them with me to run a couple of errands for Mr. Man's blue and gold cub scout banquet. Which we set up and attended last night from about 5:30-8:30. It was a great time. Mr. Man is so good at what he does, and all the boys just loved it. It's just that it cut into my studying big time. We came home, I let Mr. Man do bedtime while I got in an hour or so of studying before getting a migraine. Yup. Awesome night.

I woke up this morning not wanting to wake up. But my head was feeling better, so I popped some more pills before taking the bus to my mid-term which I hopefully aced. More classes, then the call in the middle of one of my classes.

We have a cell-phone that we hardly use. So when it rings (or beeps in my case) I usually know it's either one of the kids' schools, or Mr. Man. Since Mr. Man knows my class schedule, I knew right away it was the school. Mr. T was feeling sick and throwing up. I can't tell you how relieved I felt knowing that I had a valid excuse to cancel the rest of my day. Does that sound horrible?

I picked up the preschooler, the sickie and we've come home to just BE HOME. The sickie isn't THAT bad (don't think I'm too horrible) and is loving cuddling up and watching Star Wars, with the green puke bowl beside him just in case. The preschooler couldn't be happier, and we are busy playing doctor with big brother while having a PB&J. I was pleased as punch to email my professor to apologize for missing a class (that I really did NOT want to attend anyways), and it's just the perfect ending to a busy chaotic week. To just be home.

Picture Perfect

I have not being taking pictures like I used to. It's funny how when you have a new baby or young child the camera is never far. The benefit of having many babies is that as your other children grow up, they continue to be captured in moments as well. And now I have no babies, and sadly no new pictures. I need to change that. The picture thing, not the new baby.

The Preschooler went to his first birthday party on his own last week. So fun. He couldn't stop declaring to his siblings that it was JUST him who was invited. When I brought him, his good little friend came right over and gave him a hug. I missed my camera immediately, and the birthday girl's mother scooted her dad off the couch to run and grab the camera. He mumbled that the moment had passed, while she insisted he be ready for the next moment. And then he said something interesting. He commented that he used to be so obsessed with capturing everything on either video or camera that he feels like he missed out on a lot of the moments he was "capturing" but not "experiencing." He said he used to think that he would really cherish those videos and pictures when he was old and sitting around with no kids at home, and now it has hit him that he'll have grandchildren then to enjoy anyways.

I'm not an advocate for not taking any pictures, but I can see his point; and I've noticed it myself. Some of our funnest family times are when the camera is sitting in its case on top of the fridge. Slowing down and experiencing things while they happen; not just making memories, but living in them is really what life is all about.

"This moment is brought to you by..."

Like most people, I have a lot on my plate. And the fact that I'm still doing okay is a sure sign that my medication is working well. Thinking back to just a few months ago is scary. Thinking about being dependent on a drug to help me survive is slightly scary too. But right now, it's what I need, and I wouldn't dare to go off any time soon. Lately I've had fond experiences, happy thoughts and delightful moments. And I don't take any of these for granted. I relish in them and think about how grateful I am to be able to experience life again. And I also think, "This moment is brought to me by... Celexa!" I'm almost back to being me... and I know there are several steps I still need to make and take... but I'm definitely on the road to wellness and happiness. I'm so grateful for my doctor, husband and the inventors of anti-depressants. Right now, for me, they are a lifesaver.

Three

My three year old is driving me slightly mad. Mad meaning CRAZY. I have too much homework to take the time to go into details, but I thought it was funny to look back at my sweet giggly boy three years ago this month (his half birthday is coming up this week). Makes me smile amidst my growing insanity. And peeking in on him calmly sleeping is also rather heavenly. I need these moments after today.




Repeat to self: he is a sweet boy; he is a sweet boy; he is a sweet boy...

Agnes

We are a one car family by choice. Mr. Man seriously loves riding his bike, which almost makes us a two vehicle family (since he rides pretty much rain or snow). It forces us to communicate more in our juggling of family commitments, and it also limits what we can do or forces us to do it together. Not a bad thing. Except sometimes.

Like when I have to catch the bus.

But I'm even getting used to that.

I have Mr. Man's MP3 player so I get my scriptures in for the day while I walk and wait and ride. And then there's the entertainment provided by the people at my stop and those who get on and off the bus. Plus there's my rampant imagination that fills in all the blanks of the life stories of the people I barely meet.

Let me tell you about Agnes. I'm assuming her name is Agnes, of course. She's one of those older women whose name is either Lois, Gertrude, Ingrid or Agnes. And I picked Agnes for her. She walks slowly and trepidatiously up to the bus stop with her flashlight shining away in the dark. She always greets me happily and has a story or two to tell before she stands and studies (and comments on) the stars, satellites, airplanes, sun and sky life of the morning. She's got stories and opinions about every bus driver, politician and dog walking by. Just in our few minutes two mornings a week, I know a lot about this woman. Ironically, Mr. Man also knows a lot about Agnes from his bus rides with her as well.

Apparently last year some time she slipped on the ice and broke her ankle and couldn't work for a whole month. That's why she has the flashlight now. And then some nice young man told her about these wonderful things called Yak Trax. And now she wears them faithfully. That "nice young man" was my husband! We're trying to figure out how else we can positively influence her life.

The other day she suggested an idea that she is sure will make somebody millions: there must be some way to store all the melted snow here and then use it in the summer to water our lawns. Brilliant. Someone should come up with this, but you'll have to give some credit to Agnes. By the way, she also insists the end of the world is coming December 31st 2011.

XOXO

My three year old is pounding away on the piano downstairs, and it makes me love him.

I love that my kids say "versing" when they mean "against." For example, during games or play battles they will say "I'm versing you."

I loved picking out a gift for a niece with my daughter the other day. And realizing how grown up she is in that she no longer plays with princesses and also that she knows her cousin so well and wants to give her something she will love.

Making my kids groundhogs for breakfast on groundhog day - because they love that tradition. And of course we HAD to have donuts later that day.

I don't think any of us love doing homework, but I love when we are all downstairs together working on our individual homework by the fire.

I love being in Primary at church... would love to be a teacher though and not the president!

Love that my professor gave me 100% on a recent essay. Love that I know I deserved it. Do NOT love probability at all... and am pretty sure I will not even like my score on that test... but I digress.

I love that my favourite holiday is quickly approaching... what do you love today?

Attracted to Mothers

I know my depression is under control by the fact that I've once again become a Social Mother.

You've either been her or know her. She makes small talk with you while you wait for a child after school, or smiles when you pass each other in the halls while you each manhandle toddlers. Social Mother trades motherhood stories and tips with you while you "watch" a child play a sport or extra-curricular activity. Social Mother can spot another Mother a mile away and knowingly looks your way, as you immediately bond in your motherhood. That's the thing that gets me... how easy it is to spot another mother.

At school today I had a woman whom I have exchanged glances with in one of my classes come up and tell me how good she felt to know she wasn't the only other mother back in school. I mean, really? It baffles me how she could zero in on me and detect that, and yet I'd been wondering the same about her. She looks older (and so must I), she seems preoccupied and also doesn't text away on her phone waiting for our professor to begin - she's catching up on homework (as am I). And she just, well, has the mom-aura about her (and I guess I must too).

I'm enjoying being around other mothers again. I'm enjoying my role of mother again. I'm attracted to motherhood, and apparently to mothers! We're beautiful!