{pause}

I am taking an indefinite hiatus.

Coming Home

As some of you know, I made the trek back "home" for my best friend's wedding. I am still exhausted from all the traveling, but it was so worth it to see her married for time and all eternity and then to exit the temple with her new husband, triumphant - and wearing cowboy boots too! I'm so happy for her happiness. She deserves this.
Of course it was also a wonderful opportunity to catch up with longtime friends whom I haven't seen in forever (except on facebook!!!) Crazy to think that the last time we were together was the night before I was to be married - almost 10 years ago.

We've really matured since then!!!
Seriously though... love these girls!
With all that we've been through, it was such a beautiful moment to be there for her wedding. Can't even express all the thoughts and memories that went through me while I was there.
Perhaps, though, you have to leave home to really appreciate and recognize it for what it is. Because while I loved being with all the friends and family that made up my weekend, there's nothing like coming home. And home was not there. It's hard for me to acknowledge that this new town and state are my home, but home is where my family is. I'm so glad I have my little family, and am still so much in love with my Mr. Man.

These are the moments

You know how you spend day after day, moment after moment teaching, pleading, and praying that your children will grow into wonderful, kind and serving individuals? Oftentimes the fighting, the teasing and the whining drown out those wonderful moments and often make that lofty mothering goal seem obsolete and impossible. And then, there are the moments. You've all had them. When your child, without prompting, shares with a sibling, when your own offspring is undeniably kind to another child, or perhaps you have watched them love and serve an elderly neighbor. These moments are worth noticing, they are worth recording. But often, they are unnoticed and unreported, and we, the mothers, don't know how wonderful our children really are.

We had one such moment.

Miss J brought home a thank you note the other day, it reads:
"Katie told us that you came to her aid when she was being teased at school. What you did to help her took courage and strength and was the right thing to do. We THANK YOU very much for helping her! What you did was very sweet and really cool ~ so we wanted you to have something sweet and cool too! Your parents should be very PROUD of YOU! Please tell them we said THANK YOU too! -Katie's Mom and Dad"

Enclosed was a gift card to Coldstone.

I was near tears when I read this. Mostly because Miss J, who tells me incessant details about her days at school, had never mentioned the event for which she was being thanked. To her, it was no big deal. It was just who she is. After reading the note, I asked for the details and received them. She said that Katie is someone who has a much harder time doing even the simplest things, and that she needs a lot of help. She said a bunch of kids were calling her horrible names and Miss J saw how hurt she was and automatically went to her side and defended and comforted her. She said she wishes she sat next to her in class because she could really help her to learn and be loved. My heart was touched. I'm so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who sent just the most perfect spirits into my home and life so that I can learn and grow and enjoy these special moments.

Please?

The Toddler: screaming insanely while grabbing at his tootsie roll
Mom: "Do you want me to open that for you?"
The Toddler: "Un huh." (official translation: "yes")
Mom: "Then what do you say?"
The Toddler: "Open it."

Trick

Our night consisted of a lot of Hallowe'en fun. Trunk or Treat with our ward (church), neighborhood trick or treating (I got voted the one to stay home and give out the candy since I refused to de-gut the pumpkin), and then a relaxing gathering with friends with yummy healthy food (yeah for veggies!)
The glow-sticks for keeping an eye on my little pumpkins were a HUGE hit. They became, of course, lightsabers, and we even had other children begging for our extras.
The kids were beyond tuckered out and the cowboy had already fallen asleep when we made our way home... only to discover that there had been a mis-communication with a child who had run in last minute to get warmer clothing and we were officially locked out of our house.

We checked each door and window (removing all the screens in the process). Contemplated kicking down a door, and even tried to bribe skinny Mr. T to climb into the little opening to the crawl space to let us in. Calling a locksmith to pay an after-hour fee was beyond my cheap economic husband, and so instead we used a knife to cut through the drywall in the garage into the house. We cut a very small hole. Mr. Man used his skill and precision to cut, while I used my skill to show him the exact spot where we would be able to put our hand through and reach where my keys were hanging without knocking them down. It worked. The whole "getting in" process took about 45 long minutes. After which, the witch still had to shower off the green from her face and the black from her hair - which was a whole other mess in my white bathroom... don't get me started!

We now have two sick kids. One with diarrhea (don't you HATE that word), the other with a fever and cough. So we definitely feel tricked. The treat, of course, is all the loot my kids brought in... and how much fun they had. The next trick will be the weight I gain from eating all the treats... well, just the Twix, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, and Kit Kats... yum.

Treat

Stay tuned for the trick part of our night. Oh my.

Keeping Busy

First off, thanks for all the "happy" comments. It felt like a room full of friends - which was very nice indeed. A few of you emailed me in private as well - so nice, and when I can put my thankful reply into words I promise to write back.

I have been keeping busy and thinking happy (or grateful and thankful) thoughts a lot. I've been getting outside EVERY FREEZING day - not always to "exercise", but at least to bike or walk or even play outside in the snow (that's good for burning at least a thousand calories, right?!) And even had a "girls" night out! I appreciate the fact that this is still a HUGE transition time, and yes, I'm coming away from having several visits with family and then the slap in the face that all family are so stinkin' far away. So, baby steps.

Now, to what I really sat down to write about.

I started this school year with just a toddler at home and so, I was a bit over-zealous in my signing up to volunteer. Once upon a time I thought I would be a great PTO/PTA/or whatever-they-call-it-at-your-school Mom. Somehow I had the preconceived notion that there would be parents and teachers working together to help the children who are being educated in the school. I didn't realize it was all about fundraising. I'm NOT all about the fundraising by any means. Our school here though has about a kajillion committees with a half million volunteers (it seems) but amazingly I still got suckered in. I wanted to get to know the school and the teachers, and I was basiclaly a free woman with just a two year old - so why not be a supermom in the schools? So I joined a few committees with minimal obligations, and told the teachers I would be in every Tuesday morning (rotating between the three classes).

Then I started homeschooling the kindergartner and completely forgot about everything I had signed up for (except for the Tuesday mornings). I love that my kids see me in their class, I love seeing them in their classes and being up-to-date on what they are learning, how they are doing and seeing how they interact with their classmates and teachers as well. So far, they love having me there too - so it's a win/win situation for everyone involved.

Then the emails and phone calls started pouring in. And I had to re-evaluate my involvement. Not only were the committee chairs of the ones I signed up for begging me for help, but apparently because I was in the school the teachers (or somebody there) were passing my name on as a willing and able individual. Thanks to years of Mr. Man's prodding, I am now quite experienced in the art of saying "NO." And it's even easier in an email.

But when the call came reminding me that I had signed up at the first grade orientation to be the "party planner" I just couldn't say no. It was an in-class assignment, and who doesn't like planning a good party. When I saw the list of parents willing to help at the party and with supplies, it was a cincher. I basically wrote out a "plan" (which is so up my alley) and passed it on to another Mom and she made all the calls to get everyone involved. My part is to man one of the "stations" during the party and provide a small activity; everything else is delegated. Since I have hours of experience making graham cracker houses, I decided we would decorate haunted houses. The kids are each bringing in a bag of candy or other decorations and I'm bringing in the plates, houses and icing.

A breeze. For those of you who need ideas for class parties or even for home family use, I decided I would show a small step-by-step. This is not a showcase by any means, it's way too simple for that, and it's also such a cool thing to see sugar change like this that I couldn't resist. It took me about an hour to make 21 (far from perfect) houses and I only suffered three minor burns in the process.

Step One: Break up all your graham crackers into squares (some come pre-packaged like this) but try not to break too many itty bitty pieces off - those can't be used. Stack your squares into piles of six for however many houses you are making. (No, we will not use that half zucchini for this recipe... I don't even think the Deceptively Delicious diva could find a way to sneak it in.) Notice my plate full of "broken" crackers. Even after years of experience. So buy more crackers than you think you'll need.

Step Two: Put some sugar in a pot. I used about a cup and a half to make 21. You can always make more, but it really sucks trying to get leftover sugar off your pot bottom when you're done... so start small.
Step Three: Have spoon ready. Turn on the heat and get ready to see some sugar crystals. (Medium High is best, and you really do want to be stirring the whole time.) First the sugar gets all shiny and sparkly and then it starts to ball up.
Step Four: Keep stirring. When it starts getting liquidy and golden in colour, turn the heat down just a tad. You don't want to let it boil (I don't actually know this for a fact, but I have never let mine boil!)

Isn't it pretty? Looks just like honey (except it has less calories than honey - true fact!)
Step Five: Start double dipping your crackers. Can't actually take pictures of this process because you have to be super fast so that your houses will stick and because the sugar hardens quickly. I dip in each side - two crackers at a time, form one house corner and then the next two sides and finally the roof. If your sugar is getting too dark (which means it's hardening) you can heat it up a bit (on the lowest temp you have) and stir. By the end of your house building, it will start to look like this: (isn't that neat?!)
My final houses were dark and crusy but still sticking - and the sugar was getting stringy. It looks like the haunted houses have spider webs on them!!! (They are easy to remove by hand.)
So pretty. And edible. And they don't have to be perfect because they won't be perfect until a child covers them in way too much icing and candy!
Ta-da! My favourite is the one with the side caving out - totally spooky!
Small note: I am basically in love with THIS BLOG. She often puts into words so many of my beliefs about motherhood, but with a loveliness that is beyond me. You should seriously read this post and this post and this post and those are just in the last month - there are oh so many others. I digress, yet I have a point. THIS POST on school volunteering will, if you are anything like myself, have you nodding, laughing and remembering. It will also have you saying "no" more often. (Even though she would totally knock me for being the top Mom of the Halloween party, I still adore this post!)

I'm Taking Over

I used to be a rather normal person. But then I suffered from severe postpartum depression. After I finally recovered, after a very long and devastating year and a half, I have found that I am much more susceptable to mood swings. "That time of the month" has gotten worse with each child, the winter months that bring the January and sometimes even February blues are harder to handle, and I get more melancholy more easily. I have some very hard days. I have to try very hard to not let my "mood" take me over. And sometimes it's easier to just not try. This week has been one where I come away and think, "my gosh, I think I'm depressed." And it's not even like anything bad is happening in my life. Everything is, on the whole, wonderful. Yet I get it. I get depression. Unfortunately. And I don't want it to take over.

As part of my plan for to enrich my family, we have been learning a little about either an artist or composer each month. My children seem to pick up on the most random details about these amazing people (Little E often reminds us that Van Gogh shot himself because he had a sickness called "depression"), and I am struck by how many true artists (including musicians and authors) suffered from severe depression. In some cases, depression allows a clarity of vision, and a view of the world not seldom seen. Having such lows can also allow the highs that can be both beautiful and dangerous. Virginia Woolf is a favourite author and Mr. Man often questions her life and death and how the provision of modern day medicine could have helped her and so many others. And I question if she could have created what she did under the dullness that medication profers. Being able to feel: both the good and the bad is a curse and a blessing. But one that needs to be controlled or else it controls.

I just finished reading the young adult trilogy by Scott Westerfield: "The Uglies" "The Pretties" and "The Specials." It was a fun read. But also got me thinking. In the books there is a young woman who fights against societal trends, norms and even brain controlling by the government. With her mind, her will, strength and love she fights the pull that should control her and take over. She opts NOT to take a pill that will change her mind for her, but instead chooses to battle and change her mind alone.

I've been on medication before. I know that it can make a huge difference. I constantly check in with myself to see if I am at the point where I need that ease and survival that anti-depressants can provide. I'm not at that point, thankfully. But I am doing a self-check and making some changes to try to fight that mental trend to spiral downwards. I pray for the courage to fight this battle and the stamina to endure the highs and lows that make up my many coloured days.