Being Primary President

Our first Sunday at Church here just over two years ago, I walked into the Primary trying to find someone in charge to introduce Big J and see where she should go. When I couldn’t find an adult for the first 10 minutes of scanning over what felt like a billion children in kahoots, I knew that I would be called into work in the primary. The following Sunday the Primary Presidency was changed and I was called as a counselor. I knew nothing about primary except for what I remembered from ages 3-12 – and that wasn’t too much. Lots had changed, and I felt overwhelmed... but I also enjoyed being challenged and letting my creative juices flow as I found my groove in that position. There were times I struggled with only offering ideas and not being the one in charge who was able to make the decisions. Often I struggled when I felt that no decisions were being made. Yes, at times I even uttered the words, “If I were Primary President...”

One year later, on my 25th birthday, I received a phone call from our Bishop. It wasn’t to wish me a happy birthday. My 25th birthday was a difficult one for me, but I had no idea how that day would make my life even more difficult: I became Primary President.

I feel like I can never feel like I’m fulfilling this calling. I really struggle with it and feel inadequate a lot of the time. Since returning home after our summer “break” it’s been even more difficult. Every Sunday since I’ve cried. I’ve felt like a failure, like I can’t do it, like I don’t want to do it... the list of emotions goes on. I don’t want your sympathy, and I don’t need anyone to tell me how wonderful they think I am... I’m just expressing how this calling has affected me lately.

I’ve tried numerous Sundays to approach my calling with a different attitude. There was the Sunday I decided that no matter what anyone (child or adult) said to me I wouldn’t let it affect me! It still did. I would wake up rededicated only to feel that once again, even with extra effort, I was failing at this super-humongous job that someone closer to my mother’s age (and ability) should be doing. And, again, I would cry.

Today, somehow, was different.

We had our Primary Sacrament Meeting Presentation, and it was perfect. Granted we went over our time limit by a good half hour or so, one child was bleeding at the end of it and several people have commented to me about ways to improve it for next year (all of which have grown children of course!) But I feel great. I feel so much love for the 56 children who had parts to share. I enjoyed hearing them belt out the parts of the songs they know so well and mumble through the lines that nobody really remembers anyways. My heart soared when my daughter did her part and radiated so much calm and confidence. I was overjoyed when our Bishop closed our presentation with an ode to primary and the amazing people who keep it running. The rest of Sunday flowed just as smoothly and it was a really great Primary day! I have been on a high the rest of the day and feel okay even though I just lost two more teachers and still have another to replace. Somehow the weight that has been burdening me has lessened and I’m glad. At least for one day I don’t hate my calling and that’s technically a good thing.