I Looked out the Window and What did I see?

Days like today I despise living on a corner.
I paid the two eldest a dollar each to help with most of it. Best two dollars I've spent in a long time.
I'm not sure where this snow came from... it's not our typical light fluffy stuff. It was a better workout than Jillian. So I'm rewarding myself with some Cadbury mini-eggs.
Mr. Man is on a man trip in the dessert mountain biking. Don't worry,sweetie, I saved you half the driveway--- and it's still coming down! We may own a snow blower when you get back. (Wishful thinking; Mr. T suggested the purchase.)

Oh the Irony!

Sometimes when I'm walking to and from classes, I start "writing" blog posts in my mind. Recently I have had a stream of pretty darn good grades: a slew of perfect papers, and my lowest mid-term exam score was a 90%. I know right. I was pretty impressed with myself. And so it was, while walking amongst my fellow students, feeling pretty smug, I thought up a whole wonderful post with the instructions and title: "How To Easily Get an "A" in Any Class."

And then I ate humble pie for lunch the next day.

I got back my math exam and also received what I believe (as far as I can remember) to be my very first "C" ever in my life. It would be an understatement to say I was devastated. The worst of it was, it wasn't just lots of small little dumb mistakes, but no - I still can't solve half the problems I got wrong.

I've said many times, that I don't expect (myself or my children) to be the best... but just to be the best that I (or they) can be. Ofttimes I find myself disappointed in myself for NOT being or doing what I know I am capable of. But in this case, if I truly listen to my own advice... I did do my best, and it just wasn't the best score. And now you don't have to listen to a self-absorbed student talk about how to get an "A". You just have to sit and read about a type A self-absorbed student ramble on aimlessly about how a "C" helped her to see things a little more clearly.

Survival

I feel like I have been in survival mode for so long. How on earth do people stay so on top of things?

Mr. Man looked in the fridge the other day and commented on how he could tell it was the end of the month. At the beginning of a month I usually start a bunch of planning and scheduling, it's like a fresh start... and apparently even the fridge and our meals are affected. Maybe it's the fact that it's still butt freezing cold out, though I hate to blame everything on the weather here, but I'm just not feeling it this month.

The countdown is on for the end of the semester. Part of me can't believe I actually went to school full-time. There are still so many random assignments, papers, presentations and exams left in the next few weeks... and that is such a weight on my shoulders on top of everything else that seems to be hanging out there these days.

Wednesday morning I register for summer and fall classes. I do feel closer to having completed a huge goal... and that's encouraging.

It's hard to let things slide in the process. Of course it's inevitable, but it doesn't help that I feel that horrible thing called guilt. Our poor primary should really find somebody who is more dedicated than I am. My poor house used to sparkle, and my children are lacking in the responsibility department because they know their poor old mom is tired and isn't as consistent as she used to be.

I've been having dreams at night about my future classroom, and that's so exciting to me.

This post also probably stems from the fact that I have post-test anxiety today and will be getting back a geometry exam in a few hours. Heaven help me.

The weekend will be hectic and fun and then we'll be back to another week. Surviving.
{I added this picture just 'cause I think these two are the cutest little "orange" haired boys out there}

Complete

My baby, yes I sometimes call him that and no he does not appreciate this, anyways, my baby mentioned to me today that he thinks we need to have a baby in our family. It breaks my heart that he will never know the joy of having a baby in the home, and will never experience being a big brother. And then there's another part of me that knows how much that would also devastate his world! I got to thinking about how, to him, this is the only family he has known... our complete family will have been his only family. And then the person in me who is freaking out about seeing a therapist started to analyze over whether that gives him a more stable childhood. My thought process then turned to how our family has changed; how rapidly it grew, and how suddenly it has ceased growing, but still continually changing. And now I'm feeling old and all sentimental. Nothing has happened the way I thought it would in my adult years, marriage and motherhood were two accidental happenings that tripped me and I've fallen head over heels in love. Here's that story in pictures:

1999

2001

2002

2003

2003

2004

2005

2007

2008

And yes, I know we're overdue for a new family picture. But when your family is complete... there's no real push! Also when your favourite photographer friend lives too far away... anyways, hopefully this summer we'll update!!! (Our family pictures, that is... not our "complete" family.)

{some things never change}

Entrepreneur

This boy spent a few days of his spring break trying to make money. One day was spent breaking little rocks in half (hmmmm... wonder where he found the rocks). Then he made signs, which he held on his stick for a while until he grew tired and wise and used the stop sign on the corner to hold them. He suckered his little brother into hollering with him: "Gems, gems for sale!" And boy is he quite the salesman. He would show off his special gems and then quickly sell you another. He made a few dollars: selling them for 24 cents a gem or 4 for a dollar (which makes me laugh every time)! Poor guys still has signs up and gems out front, hoping people will stop and buy. He can't understand why people aren't running over. I think Mr. Man needs to teach him about supply and demand.

Taking the Plunge

I made my first appointment with a therapist. Well, to be honest, she's on vacation until Thursday but I left a message... since it took a lot just to make that initial call. I almost laughed after I left the message, since I sounded so sane, so calm, so positively happy on her voice mail... I wonder what she'll think of me. Not that sane, calm and happy people don't see or need therapists, but it's so different from how I felt and sounded a few months ago that it startled me. That, and the fact that it took me this long to feel like I could make the call. And now I can't stop thinking and worrying about what it will be like meeting her and having, well, therapy sessions.

My first time meeting with a psychologist, or was it psychiatrist, and what's the difference anyway... was fleeting and a complete failure. Basically, this man listened to me pour my heart out and sob away, stared at me and said, in complete seriousness: "No amount of therapy can cure you... you need to be medicated right away." In his defense, it was probably true at the time, but that statement has stuck with me and made me feel that I am "helpless" when it comes to therapy. This is a giant leap.

Hollywood has given me so many pictures of therapy, that I'm not sure what to really expect. Part of me wonders if I should interview a bunch, like we did when finding our real estate agent, to make sure I find the right one. But how do I even know if I find the right one? Will I get to lay down? Will I be asked questions after questions or just expected to start talking about every minute detail of my life from childhood? How often should I go? What sorts of things will I be told about myself? What changes will I have to make to become the healthy happy person I want to be? What if no amount of therapy can cure me?

Babbling.

Maybe I can find a therapist who will let me write back and forth.

I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe.

Home Finale

I have sick kids, and have been single-parenting it. SO this post will be brief... but still lovely (to me at least!)

8) Above the mantle. The fireplace is the ugly point of my house, and we have grand plans for it but have yet to tackle them. But I LOVE our handmade frame and map that we have above the mantle. Love pointing out different places in the news, or discussing places we want to travel...
9) Boys' Room. It's a nautical theme, and painted blue - though you can't really tell. Mostly I love their lego table that Mr. Man built them and the hours they spend there (and inevitably all the lego still ends up on the floor). Them playing together makes me smile.
10) My pretty rug in my front entry, and our handsome cat ready to make a run for it when the front door opens.
11) My pretty front door. I adore this door. Recently we've been talking about how to add more curb appeal and color to our home, and painting the front door is so not an option!!!
12) The upstairs hallways - displaying the kids' recent art.
13) My ancestor wall above the piano.
14) The Preschooler's room. He has a big bed, and whenever we have company guests stay in his room. So I wanted it to be nice and bright to still feel like a little boy's room. I should snap more pictures of his bedding and such, but these are the things about his room that make me smile the most: his books, his siblings gathering to build and play, his ABC canvas.

So come and visit, and you can give me some decorating tips while enjoying the current comforts of my home and this oh, so lovely view from The Preschooler's room.
Thanks for meandering my home with me.

Home is where my Heart is

...Continued from yesterday...

4) Another corner of my home that makes me happy. My "certain curtains" that I never posted pictures of (but merited a whole blog post of their own). This room has such large windows and the curtains add just the right touch without taking away from both the brilliant natural light and outdoor views. And then there are the plates. The bottom one was my Oma's, from Holland of course, and reminds me so much of a terrible childhood tragedy, that I just know it will be destroyed by one of my children one day. Mom, I'm not sure if you know this, but remember that Dutch plate you had on the corner of the mantle by the front door at our Southdale house? Remember how one day it fell and crashed into a million pieces as we were all leaving for school? I was very much to blame for that (though I won't name names of the others involved). And I couldn't understand why you were so upset about a plate... we talked the whole way to school about why on earth you were crying and screaming about a blue and white plate. Now I understand. I'm sorry.

The plate in the middle was given to Mr. Man and I when we got engaged by a relative... look closely, it's sweet. The one on top was brought home by Mr. Man when he went to Istanbul, Turkey last year and nearly died. I think they look pretty there.
5) The kids' play kitchen. It fits perfectly in this little nook in my kitchen. And is used and loved by all children who enter our home. It is also a catch-all for random items. If you can't find it, we say to look in the kitchen - and we mean THIS kitchen.

6) Miss J's bookshelf. Not even half of her books are here, and she really needs a tall one... but I love glancing at her shelves and seeing who she was, who she is, and who she is becoming. There are favourite princess books from younger years on the bottom shelf (and the princess lamp on the top), her musical Noah's Ark from when she was a baby, roses she's saved and dried, an "I like me" display with her picture from Activity Day's, her microphone and clock stereo for blaring and singing to her music... not to mention all the books!
7) Miss J's desk to match her specific "pink and brown" room coordinating colors. I looked and hunted for this desk forever and finally found it for a great deal on craigslist of course. We spray painted it and presented it as her birthday gift a couple of birthdays ago. I can't count all the hours she has spent at this desk. You can see her art kit on the floor behind it... and her "bright" pink curtains that she likes to have flowing in the butt freezing cold breeze as she stares out her mountain view window for inspiration.

I'm loving this little exercise of mine. It makes me happy and very less green! And lest you think the grass is always greener, I challenge you to look around your home and find the nooks and crannies (or perhaps full-out rooms!) that make your heart happy too.

I still have a few more pictures to share. So you can know in advance to skip reading tomorrow if you're bored to death... this is also a journal of sorts and I haven't bored myself to death quite yet.

Not Easy Being Green

I've been a little bit green lately. I hate feeling envious or jealous, but sometimes another woman's cute jeans, amazing haircut, or clean car just shout out at me, and stare me down to the point that I feel, well, green. It's not very often. I think it may have to do with the fact that we are going on way too many months of snow here... and so anything else is looking better.

At any rate, I've been trying to get some ideas for decorating our master bedroom. I am NOT a decorator and have not a matchy decor bone in my body. So I've been browsing catalogs, blogs, etc. for basically step-by-step ideas to follow. This, of course, has led me to be more confused than ever, and also quite, ahem, green.

My home will never look like those magazines and superb decorators. And really I don't want it to. I want my home to be simply beautiful and to be wholly lived in. This evening I went around my home snapping quick pictures of the things I love most. I didn't tidy up before hand, and I didn't really think things through... but wanted to capture what and how I love my home. It helped me get rid of the greens and realize how lucky I am. Today I'll share three: 1) I love this little nook of my home. (Yes I still need to paint the vents behind the same color as the wall, and the books are really overflowing there...) When we moved into our home, the walls and rooms were so much bigger than anywhere we'd lived before, and we knew we needed some bigger artwork. Being cheap, Mr. Man and I utilized what we had and I found a simple tutorial to turn some posters we had (The Constitution, and the Declaration of Independence) into mounted art. I invisioned a console table there from the start, and, after explaining to Mr. Man WHAT exactly a console table was... I showed him a Pottery Barn version I adored and he went ahead and made it for me. I love it so much, and love having a special place for all our library books. The antique typewriter is meaningful to me in so many ways, and was a beloved Christmas present from Mr. Man (picked out by me!) The small chest is where I typically have a plant given to me by a wonderful friend, but I'm working on trying not to completely kill it right now and it needed more light... so this is its replacement for the time being. There are usually lego and star wars guys all over this table and typewriter... and to me, this is beautiful and meaningful.
2) This clock was Mr. Man's grandmother's clock. It is the heartbeat of our home. I love that it hangs in our front room, but that it is also visible from the family room when I sit in my favourite spot on the couch. I love the red that we have used as a paint color probably too often, but the children love that we always have either a red wall or a red room... and I hope they'll remember that forever. After multiple attempts and curtain returns, I finally found the ones I love for this room. And so this is another corner of my home that simply feels like home.
3) My porch swing. This was my birthday gift last year. Also made by the talented Mr. Man. We have run out and watched many sun sets on this porch, and hundreds of books have been read on this swing. Sitting and watching my children play or return from school feels so complete when I'm on this special swing.

So there you go... I've definitely found today that counting your many blessings can help get rid of the greens, blues, or reds of your many coloured days.

Manhandled by the Family

One of the things I love about my in-laws is how much they all make fun of each other. I've been the butt of a few good ones, and I admit that I've even chosen to have my feelings hurt. That was before I discovered that making fun of each other is how they show love. No, really. It's so different from my family, and yet I think it's wonderful! The almost weekly calls and email diatribes that go on between these people are hilariously mocking yet loving. I'm sharing one from this week, just to demonstrate my point, and to let those with young fighting children know that 1) the quarreling will never end; and 2) that's not such a bad thing.

Mr. Man's original email to his family with the subject, "Manhandled":

So I was taking {The Preschooler} to preschool this morning and we decided to listen to the radio. The song 'dyanmite' was on and he enjoys this song alot. After that song, there was some dj talk and then it went to another song, a 'girl song' according to {The Preschooler}. From my perspective, I simply spaced out during the talk and was thinking about what I need to do at work when the girl song was going on. From {The Preschooler's} perspective, I am not a man. About a minute into the girl song, he asks, "Dad, can we turn off the radio or do you like girl songs?" I told him I didn't notice and that I can turn it off. He then went on to say "That's okay if you like this, it just I don't". So, I guess in my son's eyes, I am no longer a guy, but a fem.

Also, I just got my paper "Reevaluating the Effect of Non-Teaching Wages on Teacher Attrition" published in the Economics of Education Review.

The Responses/Mocking Dialogue to his Email:

1) Awesome news about your publication. Can you send me the article?

2)G:

First J ... then you !

W, we are the last of the “ men “ in this family !

3)Interesting...we are also the only "men" who own firearms

4)True again ...

J – G - Hanna Montana anyone !

5) Wow... I have been completely emasculated!

6) Oh My Gosh, we have the same sunglasses!

7) I think they're closet Justin Bieber fans!

8)You know you're white suburbia when you use the word 'firearms' to refer to your gun

9) I gave them the benefit of the doubt with Hannah, however, it seems to be going down the “ don’t ask ... don’t “ tell road.

10) {Your wife} once mentioned that with more children the kid's journals got thinner. This is something you definitely need to record. What a little man.

Knock on Wood

Remember my post about pictures... well I should have knocked on wood, because now my camera is having issues and I can't take pictures if I wanted to. I decided to borrow Miss J's camera until I get mine up and running again. First I had to clear out her memory card, and boy was it fun to see what she chooses to capture. Here's a random mix... but I think you'll notice a trend. She obviously captures what she loves.

"I should have been a great many things"

I had a required one-on-one meeting with one of my professors today. We were supposed to discuss our writing portfolios: corrections and rewrites and thematic issues. I walked in and started to pull out my portfolio and she stopped me saying that I obviously know how to write and we have nothing to discuss but the weather. We had an enjoyable chat about different issues in our field and class topics, and also got to know each other a bit better. She asked what I wanted to do with my schooling and my life and I told her that I want to teach preschool or kindergarten and am excited to complete my reading emphasis to enable me to be a reading specialist for K-12. Her eyebrows raised a bit, and she asked me why I was back in school to do that. I tried explaining again how ages three to five are my favourite, my passion for increasing literacy and how much I love teaching. In not so many words she basically said that she thought I could and should do more with my life... that she expected more out of me. My first thought was a quote from "Little Women" when Jo tells a group of men that "indeed [she] should have been a great many things." I know I'm capable, I know all the opportunities I could have if I so choose... and yet after that initial thought I immediately got defensive. My biggest responsibility and opportunity, my most important life work is being a mother to my children. While I could "do so much more," for the time being I can't possibly do so and still be the mother I want or need to be. And I also realize that, to at least four little people, I am a great many things.