Gender Discrimination

One of my classes I'm taking is focusing a lot on our innate or created biases, and how we can attempt to comprehend those possible prejudices and still maintain equality as a teacher in a classroom. It's been quite interesting for me to look at myself and my preferences and then to learn more about differences: different cultures, socioeconomic statuses, genders and disabilities.

And so it made me laugh to walk in to my bathroom the other night and know immediately that a boy had been there! What do you think, am I too quick to judge?
At least I'm aware of my prejudices. That's the first step apparently.

The Weight Debate

It's to be expected that someone who is being treated for depression and anxiety will be slightly depressed and anxious over the side-affects of the medication she is on. At least that's how it is for me. For months I had insomnia with a pill that claimed a potential side-affect of drowsiness. And yet, I am am sure that the listed side-affect of weight gain is in fact a promise. I can't tell myself otherwise.

In the fall when I severely depressed I couldn't eat anything and lost between 10-15 lbs. The irony was, that I couldn't even be happy about it! Once I went on anti-depressants, it took several weeks but I gained back every last pound I had lost without even trying. Mr. Man thought it was because I finally had my appetite back and the desire to live. A friend told me I was just probably back at my ideal regular weight. But I know differently.

I have an insatiable hunger all the time that I have never experienced before. I am always hungry, and I will eat absolutely anything - even things I don't like - to try to satisfy that need. When I try to not eat, it's all I can think about. When I'm full, I think about what I will eat next and how soon I can eat it. It has taken all I have this week to have a salad every day for lunch (to try to compensate for all my other eating!) But this isn't all I'm obsessed with, I'm also being driven mad by my scale: the scale I can't stop getting on, the scale I think about all the time as I think about what I'm going to eat, and the scale that keeps fluctuating throughout the day. Yes I now weigh myself several times a day, I can't stop thinking about it and so I have to get on to check. I used to only weigh myself at the doctors. It's a horrible obsession. And I blame it all on my pill.

Mr. Man and I are finally heading back to Hawaii this spring and I have wonderful visions of myself fitting in a bikini again - or at least a swell swimsuit. But at the same time, all I can think about is the different restaurants and delicious food I'm going to eat while I'm there. It's a problem.

Littlest Guy's Journal

I have little journals for each of my kids. The eldest has many entries by both Mom and Dad as though we were her at age 2 months and so forth. The second has monthly entries that mostly compile what he is up to and little cute comments he made. The third has mostly the "overheard" cute things kids say. And the fourth... well his journal doesn't even have his name in it. Bummer. But he also has way more pictures taken of his baby and toddler years (praise digital cameras... now if I could just get them all printed) and he does have an active blogger Mommy... so he's not off too badly. At any rate, if you find me recording more of the cute things this guy says, it's because of his lack of a journal and also... well my big kids don't often say cute things anymore. Annoying. Guess I need to pull out their journals at times to remember when they were so darn adorable. Don't get me wrong, I think they're adorable, just minus the speech impediments and wacky brain connections that make the wildest things come out of their mouths.

Here's the short list for the week, I really wish I could remember them all.


"I'm exhausting!" (He says this quite often when he's tired, but I always agree - hee hee!)

"I almost flushed me down the toilet and then I would die. But don't worry Mommy, Jesus will make me back alive if I don't like it in the sky."

"I can't eat my chicken, all my teeth fell out." (He has two brothers that are missing a multitude of teeth right now and can't eat things like apples!)

"I don't have any friends. Only people who want me to be there friend but I'm not."

"Cookies are good for MY body." (After telling him that too many cookies aren't good for our bodies.)

"When I had no teeth I used to nurse on you." (When he walked in on me getting out of the shower.)

"It's called HIDE and GO SEEK Mom. I hide and YOU go seek."

(These pictures are from me trying to get a picture of his hilarious hat head... it turned into a game of chase and hide and go seek. I have about 20 outtakes too!)

you don't know what you've got till it's gone

Not long ago I ran into an aisle of books and nearly died. I am so far behind in reading new books.

I pointed at almost every other book and informed Mr. Man that I just HAD to have and read them. And then I sighed. My readings are much more informative than entertaining for now. And my leisurely book-reading has entered a temporary pause as I read and study textbooks that cost way more than any hardback bestseller would ever dream of selling for. And then I said it: "I miss being a stay-at-home mom and sitting around and reading all day." Mr. Man looked at me strangely, because that's what I had been trying to convince him I was NOT doing for years! And really I wasn't... but you know there are definitely days you can sacrifice housework and mothering (well) and just let yourself get carried away by a good, or at least entertaining, book.
I miss having my little crazy crew... they are growing up way too fast into these responsible but very funny people. And I never really understood when people said that the baby, toddler and preschool years really were the most laid back and easy times. They were so busy and so hard at so many times, and yet they are gone and I miss them. Those were the good old days. It's something you have to live through to believe and understand. Because NOW life is so busy and crazy (don't tell me about the teenage years... this is all I can handle for now). And so I am glad that amidst it all, I HAVE enjoyed the moments - while always looking forward and a little bit back. I think life isn't just about living in the moment, but of gathering past moments and preparing for future moments as well. Because whether the grass is green, brown or covered with a pile of snow, it's what we have and it's better than a parking lot.

An Honest Day's Work

It must be in the air, because I feel like several people have re-dedicated themselves to family fun in 2011. We have made it a priority to do one BIG and FUN family activity each month. We had decided a while ago to spend President's Day (a day we ALL have off) to finally take our family skiing. We live minutes from several ski resorts, and I swear we're the only family living here that doesn't spend every weekend skiing or having our kids do ski school. So we decided we would do it. Scary. Mr. Man has only skied once before, the kids NEVER, and I have never skied on a REAL mountain. Much to our dismay, the kids were not thrilled at all. In fact they were very insistent that they did NOT want to go skiing. They were scared and unsure and so that made me even more dedicated to taking them skiing so they could see how much fun it would be. At the same time, we wondered why we were going to drop so much money on something we would have to drag our children to do.

On Friday, Mr. Man asked what I thought about a quick weekend getaway instead of going skiing. We found a hotel a few hours away with an indoor water park and quickly made a reservation. The kids were delighted with the change in plans... and off we went. It's funny what living in a small town will do, but we also found great joy and good deals at stores we don't have: Kohls, Toys'RUs and eating at Olive Garden. And we spent hours and hours swimming and sliding and having fun at the water park.


And yes, I was the screaming woman getting thrills going down the slide!
It was a pure delight to be inside in steaming swimsuits while the snow came down the temperature outside was a mere 3 degrees Fahrenheit.

When it was time to head home, Mr. Man went to scrape off the car and heat it up while I checked out. I was looking over our bill and was a bit puzzled by how little it was. Since I had estimated how much our weekend getaway would cost. I realized that we had been charged for our room but not for our 6 swim park passes. So I went back to the front desk and let them know I thought I'd been undercharged. The one lady at the front desk just looked at me and said: "Wow! Why are you being honest?" I felt almost guilty and a bit self-righteous, while I hadn't even thought twice about it before. The gentleman serving me called up the water park front desk and tried to sort things out on his computer (since we had billed them to our room) and finally looked at me, called me by name and said "Thanks for your honesty. You swam free this weekend. Have a good day."

So great!!! And what a good ending to a fun weekend and a great story to tell my kids. We are reading these great books "Knights of Right" written by a young 17 year old high school student that are adventurous as well as teaching great principles in an effective manner. We had just been reading about honesty! I told the kids we could have swam free without me going back up to the front desk, but that I would have felt horrible; honesty really does pay off, even if we have to pay up. Just this time we didn't!

And now we have a day off before we get back to real life too (a day of homework for me). It was so worth it to get away. Life is good.

Overheard

Miss J was struggling to get her brothers to listen to her, exasperated she declared:
"You're not even listening to me. Here I am talking, and you're just acting like you're on Mars or something."
Little E: "Mars? Mars is so cool. It's the planet the farthest from the sun."
Miss J: "That's Pluto."
Little E: "Oh right. Pluto is so cool.
Miss J: "Well stop acting like you're on Pluto."

*******************************************
Little E has been looking for his Indiana Jones whip. He has all the other gear, and was trying to get his Dad to help him look for it.
Dad: "Well, what will I get out of it? Can I wear your boots if I find your whip?"
Little E: "No. They're too small for you."
Dad: "Can I wear your vest?"
Little E: "No. Dad, just help me look."
Dad: "Can I shoot off your gun?"
Little E: "No. I need my gun."
Dad: "Well then, what will I get if I help you look for it?"
Little E: "A good feeling."

Home Sick

It's been a week. Man oh man. I know we're ALL super busy people, and it's boring to hear what other people are busy doing all the time, but this is MY blog and I want to look back and know what I did in all of my busyness.

Sunday was a good day. I got lots of things checked off my to-do list, fulfilled my calling to the best of my abilities, and even had a decent family home evening. We also had people over for dinner. This is huge for me right now. We used to LOVE having people over for dinner and games all the time, but it's been months and months and months since I could even wrap my mind around having people over. So I took the plunge, invited, they accepted and came and it was good.

Of course I had forgotten that I had also invited the LDS missionaries over for dinner on Monday (for valentines day) too... and two days in a row of company was a little too much for this recovering mama.

Other than that valentines day went without a hitch. Mr. Man thanks my math professor for assigning a probability and statistics exam for the day after valentines day... since the odds of me spending any time with him were quite low. However, we are planning a big ALONE trip for the near future which should help increase the probability of romantic time alone.

Tuesday: school, exam, taekwondo, dinner, baths, books, homework, start studying for another midterm.

Wednesday I mostly studied for my midterm today, then of course the kids had an early release day so I took them with me to run a couple of errands for Mr. Man's blue and gold cub scout banquet. Which we set up and attended last night from about 5:30-8:30. It was a great time. Mr. Man is so good at what he does, and all the boys just loved it. It's just that it cut into my studying big time. We came home, I let Mr. Man do bedtime while I got in an hour or so of studying before getting a migraine. Yup. Awesome night.

I woke up this morning not wanting to wake up. But my head was feeling better, so I popped some more pills before taking the bus to my mid-term which I hopefully aced. More classes, then the call in the middle of one of my classes.

We have a cell-phone that we hardly use. So when it rings (or beeps in my case) I usually know it's either one of the kids' schools, or Mr. Man. Since Mr. Man knows my class schedule, I knew right away it was the school. Mr. T was feeling sick and throwing up. I can't tell you how relieved I felt knowing that I had a valid excuse to cancel the rest of my day. Does that sound horrible?

I picked up the preschooler, the sickie and we've come home to just BE HOME. The sickie isn't THAT bad (don't think I'm too horrible) and is loving cuddling up and watching Star Wars, with the green puke bowl beside him just in case. The preschooler couldn't be happier, and we are busy playing doctor with big brother while having a PB&J. I was pleased as punch to email my professor to apologize for missing a class (that I really did NOT want to attend anyways), and it's just the perfect ending to a busy chaotic week. To just be home.

Picture Perfect

I have not being taking pictures like I used to. It's funny how when you have a new baby or young child the camera is never far. The benefit of having many babies is that as your other children grow up, they continue to be captured in moments as well. And now I have no babies, and sadly no new pictures. I need to change that. The picture thing, not the new baby.

The Preschooler went to his first birthday party on his own last week. So fun. He couldn't stop declaring to his siblings that it was JUST him who was invited. When I brought him, his good little friend came right over and gave him a hug. I missed my camera immediately, and the birthday girl's mother scooted her dad off the couch to run and grab the camera. He mumbled that the moment had passed, while she insisted he be ready for the next moment. And then he said something interesting. He commented that he used to be so obsessed with capturing everything on either video or camera that he feels like he missed out on a lot of the moments he was "capturing" but not "experiencing." He said he used to think that he would really cherish those videos and pictures when he was old and sitting around with no kids at home, and now it has hit him that he'll have grandchildren then to enjoy anyways.

I'm not an advocate for not taking any pictures, but I can see his point; and I've noticed it myself. Some of our funnest family times are when the camera is sitting in its case on top of the fridge. Slowing down and experiencing things while they happen; not just making memories, but living in them is really what life is all about.

"This moment is brought to you by..."

Like most people, I have a lot on my plate. And the fact that I'm still doing okay is a sure sign that my medication is working well. Thinking back to just a few months ago is scary. Thinking about being dependent on a drug to help me survive is slightly scary too. But right now, it's what I need, and I wouldn't dare to go off any time soon. Lately I've had fond experiences, happy thoughts and delightful moments. And I don't take any of these for granted. I relish in them and think about how grateful I am to be able to experience life again. And I also think, "This moment is brought to me by... Celexa!" I'm almost back to being me... and I know there are several steps I still need to make and take... but I'm definitely on the road to wellness and happiness. I'm so grateful for my doctor, husband and the inventors of anti-depressants. Right now, for me, they are a lifesaver.

Three

My three year old is driving me slightly mad. Mad meaning CRAZY. I have too much homework to take the time to go into details, but I thought it was funny to look back at my sweet giggly boy three years ago this month (his half birthday is coming up this week). Makes me smile amidst my growing insanity. And peeking in on him calmly sleeping is also rather heavenly. I need these moments after today.




Repeat to self: he is a sweet boy; he is a sweet boy; he is a sweet boy...

Agnes

We are a one car family by choice. Mr. Man seriously loves riding his bike, which almost makes us a two vehicle family (since he rides pretty much rain or snow). It forces us to communicate more in our juggling of family commitments, and it also limits what we can do or forces us to do it together. Not a bad thing. Except sometimes.

Like when I have to catch the bus.

But I'm even getting used to that.

I have Mr. Man's MP3 player so I get my scriptures in for the day while I walk and wait and ride. And then there's the entertainment provided by the people at my stop and those who get on and off the bus. Plus there's my rampant imagination that fills in all the blanks of the life stories of the people I barely meet.

Let me tell you about Agnes. I'm assuming her name is Agnes, of course. She's one of those older women whose name is either Lois, Gertrude, Ingrid or Agnes. And I picked Agnes for her. She walks slowly and trepidatiously up to the bus stop with her flashlight shining away in the dark. She always greets me happily and has a story or two to tell before she stands and studies (and comments on) the stars, satellites, airplanes, sun and sky life of the morning. She's got stories and opinions about every bus driver, politician and dog walking by. Just in our few minutes two mornings a week, I know a lot about this woman. Ironically, Mr. Man also knows a lot about Agnes from his bus rides with her as well.

Apparently last year some time she slipped on the ice and broke her ankle and couldn't work for a whole month. That's why she has the flashlight now. And then some nice young man told her about these wonderful things called Yak Trax. And now she wears them faithfully. That "nice young man" was my husband! We're trying to figure out how else we can positively influence her life.

The other day she suggested an idea that she is sure will make somebody millions: there must be some way to store all the melted snow here and then use it in the summer to water our lawns. Brilliant. Someone should come up with this, but you'll have to give some credit to Agnes. By the way, she also insists the end of the world is coming December 31st 2011.

XOXO

My three year old is pounding away on the piano downstairs, and it makes me love him.

I love that my kids say "versing" when they mean "against." For example, during games or play battles they will say "I'm versing you."

I loved picking out a gift for a niece with my daughter the other day. And realizing how grown up she is in that she no longer plays with princesses and also that she knows her cousin so well and wants to give her something she will love.

Making my kids groundhogs for breakfast on groundhog day - because they love that tradition. And of course we HAD to have donuts later that day.

I don't think any of us love doing homework, but I love when we are all downstairs together working on our individual homework by the fire.

I love being in Primary at church... would love to be a teacher though and not the president!

Love that my professor gave me 100% on a recent essay. Love that I know I deserved it. Do NOT love probability at all... and am pretty sure I will not even like my score on that test... but I digress.

I love that my favourite holiday is quickly approaching... what do you love today?

Attracted to Mothers

I know my depression is under control by the fact that I've once again become a Social Mother.

You've either been her or know her. She makes small talk with you while you wait for a child after school, or smiles when you pass each other in the halls while you each manhandle toddlers. Social Mother trades motherhood stories and tips with you while you "watch" a child play a sport or extra-curricular activity. Social Mother can spot another Mother a mile away and knowingly looks your way, as you immediately bond in your motherhood. That's the thing that gets me... how easy it is to spot another mother.

At school today I had a woman whom I have exchanged glances with in one of my classes come up and tell me how good she felt to know she wasn't the only other mother back in school. I mean, really? It baffles me how she could zero in on me and detect that, and yet I'd been wondering the same about her. She looks older (and so must I), she seems preoccupied and also doesn't text away on her phone waiting for our professor to begin - she's catching up on homework (as am I). And she just, well, has the mom-aura about her (and I guess I must too).

I'm enjoying being around other mothers again. I'm enjoying my role of mother again. I'm attracted to motherhood, and apparently to mothers! We're beautiful!