I'm Taking Over

I used to be a rather normal person. But then I suffered from severe postpartum depression. After I finally recovered, after a very long and devastating year and a half, I have found that I am much more susceptable to mood swings. "That time of the month" has gotten worse with each child, the winter months that bring the January and sometimes even February blues are harder to handle, and I get more melancholy more easily. I have some very hard days. I have to try very hard to not let my "mood" take me over. And sometimes it's easier to just not try. This week has been one where I come away and think, "my gosh, I think I'm depressed." And it's not even like anything bad is happening in my life. Everything is, on the whole, wonderful. Yet I get it. I get depression. Unfortunately. And I don't want it to take over.

As part of my plan for to enrich my family, we have been learning a little about either an artist or composer each month. My children seem to pick up on the most random details about these amazing people (Little E often reminds us that Van Gogh shot himself because he had a sickness called "depression"), and I am struck by how many true artists (including musicians and authors) suffered from severe depression. In some cases, depression allows a clarity of vision, and a view of the world not seldom seen. Having such lows can also allow the highs that can be both beautiful and dangerous. Virginia Woolf is a favourite author and Mr. Man often questions her life and death and how the provision of modern day medicine could have helped her and so many others. And I question if she could have created what she did under the dullness that medication profers. Being able to feel: both the good and the bad is a curse and a blessing. But one that needs to be controlled or else it controls.

I just finished reading the young adult trilogy by Scott Westerfield: "The Uglies" "The Pretties" and "The Specials." It was a fun read. But also got me thinking. In the books there is a young woman who fights against societal trends, norms and even brain controlling by the government. With her mind, her will, strength and love she fights the pull that should control her and take over. She opts NOT to take a pill that will change her mind for her, but instead chooses to battle and change her mind alone.

I've been on medication before. I know that it can make a huge difference. I constantly check in with myself to see if I am at the point where I need that ease and survival that anti-depressants can provide. I'm not at that point, thankfully. But I am doing a self-check and making some changes to try to fight that mental trend to spiral downwards. I pray for the courage to fight this battle and the stamina to endure the highs and lows that make up my many coloured days.

Pumpkin Patching with my Boys

They were ready for any ghost or goblin along the way. The hay ride was really bumpy and Little E asked me if I was making it bump. I told him I wasn't THAT heavy!

We found "our" pumpkin almost immediately. But I told the boys we had to look over each one. Did you know that for each stripe on a pumpkin there is a row of seeds inside?

The best part was meeting friends at the hay bale pirate ship. Way too much fun.

We are going to have to go back here and bring the older kids too. Nothing like running around outside for an hour without realizing how cold it really is.

Love that I get to spend my days with these two buccaneers.

A great treasure indeed.

Forcing little brother to walk the plank.

A great little field trip.

Drastic Measures

I confiscated all of Mr. T's money.

With a dollar a week for allowance, this represents quite the stash for him. It reduced him to tears, and hateful glances in my direction. But it had to be done.
So far, Mr. T has lost the following at school:

-blue hooded fleece jacket
-running shoes with orthopedic braces
-hood for winter coat
-hat
-scarf
-lunch box
-green hooded sweatshirt
-blue water bottle
-backpack
-about a dozen little tupperware snack containers
(I may be missing some things that we haven't noticed are missing yet or I just can't recall)

Basically it's bad. I've spent a lot of time digging through the ginormous lost and found bins at his school. He tries, but never seems to have success. It's unbelievable how much STUFF kids lose at school. Mr. T always comments when he sees the amount of STUFF that there must be a lot of unhappy Moms. Yup. The kid leaves a trail everywhere he goes in my house, so I figure he must just do the same thing at school, except nobody gets after him about it there and it just goes missing. When faced with having to pay for the replacement costs, it's amazing what he has been able to find and recently NOT lose. So hopefully this re-payment plan for replacing items will work. Any other ideas would be welcome. That lost and found bin is gross.

Mawage

(you have to know "Princess Bride" to get that title... it can't be explained, sorry)

We had a whirlwind weekend, and my mind and washing machine are still spinning.

We drove through the twisty mountains, thank heavens for very beautiful weather, as the view and the turns provided enough for a breath-taking experience. It was fun to show my family where I lived and went to school my freshman year of university in western Canada. We stayed with my sister and enjoyed a delicious (belated) Canadian Thanksgiving feast, lots of Wii time, and good company. The cousins were hilarious together.
And we were able to attend my cousin's wedding. Always a pleasure to see young lovers vow to keep their love strong, enduring, and eternal.

Seeing Oma was a treat, as the occasions to do so seem to be more infrequent. She is beautiful - inside and out. I wondered how someone, who had been married for almost 50 years and then lost her beloved, felt watching her granddaughter so young and in love start a legacy of love of her own. Did she ache for her eternal love? Did she remember her special day? Did she quietly recall the moments and memories that make up a lasting marriage?
I couldn't help but think back to my own wedding of course. With many hours spent in a vehicle with Mr. Man, and even some moments all alone (praise Uncle Scott), we had a chance to re-evaluate our marriage, our love, and our life together. I think I have a wonderful marriage. We've worked hard to have that. Lately it's been a lot of bliss. Which is nice and comfortable. And so it's time to think about what we can work on to make it even better. I mean, can you imagine "better"? It's been almost ten years. Gasp. When I picture a bride, I picture myself less and less and am thinking much more forwardly - like when my own daughter will be the bride. Heaven forbid she be less than 25.

I took lots of pictures but the one that touched me the most was this one:
In between shots (by the professional photographer) my Aunt grasped her daughter lovingly, while my Uncle gazed at her adoringly. You can just feel the love. I want that picture (but with Mr. Man, Miss J and myself) on my wall. I want that picture in my life. I want to love like that and be loved in return, but still be able to let go.

Another thing that hit me, was that some day our kids won't be such a HUGE part of my life. I mean really, you do "give them away" in a very literal sense. One day the family picture hanging on my wall will look like this (perhaps a little more wrinkly, though I promise to maintain the blonde!)
Another reason to make my mawage a very large focus in my life.

Subtle Changes: A Blast from the Past

***in searching for a craft I did last year I was browsing through October 2008 archives and particularly liked this post:

As the seasons change, the subtle changes in my children seem more apparent as well. There's the drastic change and jumps in pant sizes, the increased knowledge and skill in sports and music, the jokes are funnier, the conversations more mature, and the questions more meaningful. In a small way, the season of my life is changing. A leaf has fallen; a passing. Often I look back wondering if I savored the seasons passed, did I enjoy the heat, the chills, the daily highs and the lows? And I think I did.

And besides, there are still many more seasons to enjoy.

Blogging is so egocentric...

10 random things about me:
1. I'm left-handed and proud of it.
2. My eyelids are saggy and it makes wearing mascara annoying - always a little bit stuck up above... I know I need to find a different kind of mascara, but I hate shopping, and shopping for make-up especially... seriously have bad make-up shopping stories
3. I am a pessimist. But happy about this fact. I love being happily surprised when I expect the worst.
4. I tend to exaggerate. I think it makes things more exciting. And really I don't even mean too... it just happens. My husband hates this.
5. I can read about 100 pages an hour. Even without wearing my glasses. I love to read.
6. My favourite colour is green but I have a huge weakness for red.
7. I wish I could control my eating habits. But I can't. I am a sucker for all things chocolate... except I hate chocolate milk, chocolate milkshakes or chocolate ice cream.
8. I have a hard time making friends. But when I do, they're usually the best friends I could ever ask for.
9. I am extremely anal and quite the control freak. Some people are nice about it and tell me I am very organized. I know better.
10. I despise pets of all sorts. I refuse to have one in my home. I'm the only person in my home that feels this way and I hate being outnumbered. MUST. STAY. STRONG.

10 things on my to-do list for this week
1. Get proof of continuous coverage from last insurance company
2. Get doctors and dentists and set appointments
3. Mail off packages
4. Make cards with Miss J on her special night
5. Halloween plans - party? -costumes
6. Make cinnamon buns, granola bars, pumpkin and banana loaves
7. Wrap wedding gift for cousin (buy gift wrap)
8. Answer Kyle's (brother on mission) email and write back
9. Hairdresser appointment?
10. Find out which day has all the flyers in the paper and purchase THAT day

10 blogs I read (that aren't personal friends) - and in no particular order
1. http://balancingeverything.com
2. http://blog.cjanerun.com
3. http://memoriesoncloverlane.blogspot.com
4. http://homeschoolcreations.blogspot.com
5. http://lets-explore.net/blog
6. http://www.makeandtakes.com
7. http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com
8. http://www.notimeforflashcards.com
9. http://www.lazyorganizer.com/blog
10. http://71toes.blogspot.com

10 weaknesses I wish were strengths
1. Sewing: I seriously have a billion projects that I would love to do. Just lack the know-how and a sewing machine.
2. Getting stressed too easily. This one may be genetic. But I would love to go with the flow naturally.
3. Craftiness. All things crafty: scrapbooking, card making, home craftiness... all that stuff. Some people have it; I keep trying.
4. Over-scheduling. I've experienced 24 hour days for years now, and yet still try to cram in at least 6 more hours worth of tasks into a day. When will I learn?
5. Yelling. I hate yelling. I hate the impression it makes on my kids. I am getting better. I now own a whistle and a bell that do my yelling for me.
6. Math. I helped out in my daughter's third grade math class today. Or tried to help. Yup, still a weakness. I will cry if I have to take another math class in order to graduate.
7. Judging. I am quick to jump to conclusions and make my own verdicts on others' lives and choices. As I develop empathy and make stupid choices of my own (often) I am trying to do better at this. But it's hard for me. This is probably the weakness I am most at odds with and even have a hard time admitting to.
8. Chocolate. 'Nuf said.
9. Procrastinating. To be honest, I love planning, but carrying things out is often put off. I sort of like the high that comes from doing things at the last minute. But dealing with this weakness, may help with #2.
10. Studying scriptures. Love the reading. Getting too in depth is something that I struggle with. But I know I should.

10 strengths
1. I am the queen of charts, planning and all things organization.
2. I love to teach my children and I am a good teacher.
3. I keep a tidy home.
4. I am a good writer and a great speller.
5. I am creative.
6. I try to be a good friend to my friends.
7. I am a hard worker, but I also like to schedule in time for fun.
8. I am well-read.
9. I am a winner. Seriously. I am both lucky and brilliant when it comes to playing games.
10. I know who I am. Took a while. But is a huge strength.

Another thing I hate about moving...

I spent the better part of my day yesterday trying to procure doctors for myself and my children. I did so after doing a lot of research - both in asking EVERYBODY I know and meet about their doctors. Not just who their doctors are but what they are like specifically. I looked for trends in referrals and specifics as well. Then I went online and found out all I could about every doctor my insurance company had put on "the list". I put an x beside any doctor I felt would absolutely NOT be a good fit and a star beside the best. The rest, I figured, were as good as doctors come and would be the next options should the starred not be available. I wasn't so interested in "promptness" - I mean there are two waiting rooms for a reason - and even "bedside manner" wasn't as important to me as "proper diagnosis". And years of experience was important too - I don't want a newbie (sorry new docs) and I don't want someone who is going to retire next year and force me into this same predicament. I also looked into their education and residency experience. I know... this is a lot. (I am especially interested in having a good pediatrician for my one son's health issues.) So then I got on the phone and listened to all sorts of music and medical tidbits while waiting and waiting and waiting to try to set up appointments with my starred doctors. Contrary to my insurance company's list and to my great disappointment, starred doctor after starred doctor was not accepting new patients. The offices were pleasant enough, and offered some of my doctors with an x beside them as alternatives. I denied them that pleasure and told them I would try again for a better different doctor. The story goes that these doctors only accept so many new patients, plus I have to set my kids up for an initial "meet the doctor" appointment (see dollar signs) so that if they were to get sick they could make an immediate appointment versus now we have to wait over a month to get in as a new patient. I have one child in with one doctor and I'm calling back today to try to get three more. For a doctor for myself, I may be on a wait list for an eternity. I don't know how many doctors are no longer accepting new patients (some don't even have wait lists). I am no longer even trying for star doctors. I have one who may be willing to take me on, but will have to call me back... when, I don't know. One secretary, after giving me the whole "we're not really accepting new patients" speech, sent me over the edge. I countered with "Well no doctor in this whole town is accepting new patients, so what exactly do you suggest I do?" She calmly replied that this was obviously a sign that this town needs more doctors. My call to action. I guess my next step is to simply get a medical degree and become my own doctor. Sheesh.

BFF

When I was around three or four, I was sitting in the front row of primary at church when a mother I didn't recognized walked in, sat a little girl my age beside me, told me her name and told me we were going to be friends. Determined to please, it was inevitable that I would do as she say, and become friends with this pig-tailed little girl (I had a bowl cut at the time, so I particularly remember the long swaying pig-tails). My only problem was that I could not remember the little girl's name. I leaned over and asked her numerous times to repeat it. It was long, tricky, and impossible for me. In the bathroom, I asked her again, and this time she game me a shortened version of her name. It stuck. And she became my best friend. Seriously. From that time until we were 18, we were pretty much inseparable. I have very few childhood and teenage memories that don't include this fabulous friend. We knew each other as few ever do, in fact, I'm almost positive she could figure out my pin number even now after years of separation.

Almost ten years ago we parted ways. There was nothing malicious, no falling out, no great story to post about how it happened, I simply got married and left the country... and time passed. We've stayed in touch periodically, but all in all, in getting married I had found my new best friend. A year ago my old best friend sent me a save-the-date magnet, and in a few short weeks she too will be marrying her new best friend. I'm so happy for her. I can't wait to meet him and to see her once again. I wonder what he is like. We used to joke around about how it would be perfect if one of us were a guy because we would obviously love to be together and marry each other. I admit there are often little things about Mr. Man that remind me of my old best friend, small quirks, or comments. And so I wonder if her Mr. Man is anything like me. Mostly though, I am glad that she has finally found HIM. Because while I can't imagine my childhood without my old best friend, there is no best friend like the present. My best friend forever is the love of my life; how lucky am I?

From One Educator to Another

Lately it seems that in all our weekend glory the two public schooled children are bringing home the majority of their weekly homework on Friday. For the past few weeks we have scrambled to get it done early Monday morning before school and instead of practicing piano (grrrr, says, I, the piano teacher!) Perhaps the teachers are trying to meet the needs of the over-extra-curricular child who has little time on weeknights, but (supposedly) more time on the weekend. Not so in our house. I am happy to force sit down with my kids shortly after they get home from school and get all their work done. (Mr. Man even asked recently if they kids ever have homework, since it's always done and put away by the time he gets home.) However, Friday afternoons are for FUN FAMILY TIME and even the occasional FRIEND - and you know how I feel about Saturday and Sunday. And, after all, the kids are only in 1st and 3rd grade - it's not rocket science, nor junior high. So Mr. Man and I discussed, and I composed a nice letter to both of their teachers, accompanying their empty homework folders this morning:

Dear 1st and 3rd Grade Teachers of my beloved children,

I am writing this letter to inform you of a decision that my husband and I have made for our family. At this time, we feel that given our children's ages and our family’s circumstances, we will not be allowing our children to do homework on the weekend. We are going to reserve the weekends for our family.

We are more than happy to complete any given assignment during the week. If there is something that will be due on a Monday, please have it sent home on Thursday, otherwise it will be turned in on Tuesday.

Hopefully you can understand this decision, otherwise I sincerely hope this won’t affect our children’s grades or work completion in any way.

Please let me know if you would like to discuss this further. Both my husband and I are happy to do so. We hope we can support each other in the grand endeavor to educate.

Thanks,

ME

Within minutes of school starting, and I assume the letter having been given and read, I received an email from one teacher. I don't know why I expected an argument. I am WAY too judgmental of my childrens' teachers (seriously trying to remedy that weakness), and so I was delighted when I read the following:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. you-know-who,
Thank you for your note about homework. I will make a note about the return of homeowrk from Friday on Tuesday. Miss J is a good student and being late with a Friday homework will not be a problem for her in discussions of the work. This will not be reflected in her grade for responsibility either. I will not send homework early because we may not have had the lesson regarding the homework before the Friday.
Sincerely, Mrs. B.

I was pleased as punch. So are my kids. And the only thing that bothered me about her response was the mispelling of 'homework'. Oh well.

Happy days. A synopsis of our fun, busy weekend will not ensue. I'm trying to think of something interesting to write about this week besides a basic journal entry. Wish me luck.

Quote of the Day

"It's NOT working Mommy!"

(and he's not referring to the gun in his hand!)

I Love Me a Good Weekend

It seems that most of my updates are either life-altering/life-questioning or else weekend updates. Oh well. Now that we have kiddos in school and Mr. Man works at a "real" job, the weekends have become priceless treasures. I love that school gets out early on Fridays, so even though we have many house projects and adventures to carry out, we have time to get at least some of them done, have some fun, and still rest and keep the Sabbath day holy.

This weekend was a blur of activity. Friday we went half-camping. Which means half the work for lots of fun! Everyone agreed we had a great time, though Little E was quite chilled from an accidental dip in the waterfall and was ready to go home long before the rest of us were! Half-camping consists of hiking, having a campfire, roasting hot dogs and making s'mores and then coming home to sleep in our warm comfy beds. Truly it is freezing at night here, and I was basically wimping out, but also being practical. We had the benefit of a beautiful location in which to half-camp, and even had some fun camping neighbors who hung out at our fire making s'mores and small talk with us. Mr. Man biked most of the way to our campsite which was enjoyable for him as well.

"our spot" - aren't you jealous?!

Saturday morning we split up. Miss J and I went to an apple tasting and information seminar at a local nursery. We are anxious to plant apple trees in our yard come spring and this was the perfect opportunity to be able to make an informed decision on which types of trees to plant and how to care for them. The boys went to another football game. Mr. Man used bribery (he promised a point for each flag removed- and points in our house are a valuable 15 minute screen time a piece!) Motivation did wonders and we now have some star players. Interstingly too how the coach suddenly gave them some better positions once they were considered "good!"

Then we went back to the nursery to let the kids climb trees (since we don't have any yet) and pick out a few to plant in our front totally un-landscaped yard. We picked four and spent the rest of the afternoon digging holes, moving sod to new locations, and planting trees. (Oh, and on the way home from the nursery we passed a couple of yard sales - girl clothes for 25 cents a piece and a much needed filing cabinet - which I plan to spray paint - for all my files!)

I made it just in time to the General Relief Society broadcast and returned to a cold windy night with sore hands, shoulders and back but Mr. Man had started a nice fire in the fireplace. Divine.

I cleaned for a few hours, planned a lesson for church (slacker!) and then off to bed for a very sleepyhead and an enjoyable Sunday spent with our little family. Today I am fighting a horrid head cold and am already ready for bed hours before my children... good thing we had an enjoyable weekend!

Inconsistent Parenting

As someone who loves routine and organized structure, it's hard for me to look at my parenting style and realize that I embrace inconsistent parenting. You may not have heard of this style, but I am it's poster parent. I actually just googled it, and found it described under "7 Common Parenting Mistakes" or learned that "few things can harm your children more than an inconsistent parenting style." I beg to differ. Though I may not have the style down pat, I'm getting pretty good at consistently being inconsistent, and I think my kids are thriving because of it.

Let's start with their births. Each one differed. I've had an emergency c-section on my due date, an induced VBAC 2 weeks early, a "going into labor on my own" VBAC with epidural (also a week or so early), and then a natural birth - 2 weeks overdue! Talk about inconsistent! I never knew what to expect and so I had to prepare for every possible way. Beyond preparation, I had to "let go and let God." I put my life and my births into His hands, because I couldn't possibly control them.

Then comes the feeding. I've blogged about breastfeeding before, but to sum it up, I pumped and bottle-fed my first, nursed and supplemented (with formula) my second, and exclusively nursed the next two for very lengthy periods. I went into motherhood convinced that I would have a certain style, the one passed on to me by my mother which sounded very orderly and routine: nurse every 3-4 hours for 6 months. But, it didn't work for me or my babies. And what worked for one, didn't work for another. In being inconsistent, I was able to meet the needs of my babies. The flexibility taught me to relax and feel for what was best for both myself and my child... and it was enjoyable, though not predictable.

Move on a few years to the preschool era. One of my favourites. With my first I did a "preschool co-op"... three different ones actually. At one point, having a one year old and a newborn, we tried putting her in a "regular" preschool. She went for about a week or so and then I pulled her out. It was too long, too often, and wasn't good enough for me. I wasn't in the market for childcare, and I felt that that was all I was getting. I wanted more for her. And so I kept her home, not even looking at other options. We started my second in a Joy School co-op - because I was so excited to play with that curriculum. But the group was ill-suited for him and so I pulled him out of that too and put him in a Christian preschool which we ended up doing for two years and loved. My third did Joy School for one year with a smaller, closer group which turned out wonderfully, then we put him in a YMCA preschool where all he really did was swim and play basketball - no numbers or letters or learning - but we felt he needed a physical outlet. He's the only one I hadn't had start something and quit in order to phase in my inconsistent parenting and find what would suit him the best.... that is, until this year!

Little E started kindergarten a few weeks ago. He cried every day on the walk to school. He begged me not to leave him. He wanted to go home. (He is my homebody.) His teacher said he did just fine. I stayed a few times and went in to help, and yup, he was fine alright. But not totally himself. After school was the worst. He was always happy when he ran out and threw his arms around me for a big hug (love it!) But then he would be tired, crabby, clingy, crying, and even aggressive with his siblings. He was worn out. I hated that he had to spend all day away from me, and then when he was finally home, he was too worn out to have any fun or be enjoyable to be around.

But I was finally having some ME-TIME! With just The Toddler, I could run errands in (mostly) peace, have time for projects while he napped, and enjoy some serious one-on-one time with my two year old. Plus, I was planning to go back to school. It was going to finally be my turn, and what was so bad about putting my child in school anyways? He'd get used to it eventually. It was ONLY seven hours a day. Surely because he had already lost his lunch box twice in a week things would get better and he would learn responsibility along with making friends and whatever else they teach in public school kindergarten. Couldn't I be selfish just this once, even though I knew that he would do so much better at home with the kindergarten lesson plans I saved (for some reason) from homeschooling his brother last year? Even though I knew he really needed to be home and with me for one more year. Could I ignore his needs to meet my own? The arguing in my head was giving me inconsistent headaches.

In the end my plans for going to school changed. For many reasons it will be better for me to start in the fall -thus freeing up next semester. I admit that had I made that decision before school started, I never would have put Little E in all-day kindergarten to begin with. We decided to do a trial homeschool day. I made it pretty difficult, because I wanted to see if he would "work" for me. And I wanted to have an educated example and decision to pray about. Well, it wasn't all peaches and cream, but he did well. We both did. And The Toddler threw less tantrums and enjoyed having a playmate as well. I spoke with his teacher about our decision and she has been so supportive and helpful. If I were to pull him out at lunch time, she agreed that he would only receive a half-curriculum and would be ill-prepared for first grade. But I can give him a full-curriculum in a half-day at home and he will be just fine. And he's happy. And already reading small words (which is HUGE for him!) and when I just get over myself and my selfish craving for more me-time, I am really happy to have this opportunity and the joy that comes from teaching and being home with my two little boys.

Hopefully I'm not damaging my children by my inconsistent parenting. I'm trying to find out what they need, and I'm trying to "let go and let God" since they are truly His children. And so we begin the journey of another year of homeschooling. I think it is less of a trend here than in our last town, so we've already gotten a few "looks" and "concerned comments"... but I'm confirmed in my decision. Why does it take me so long to get these parenting things figured out?!

Updates... because I haven't been journaling lately

Wednesday night Mr. T got one of his fevers. It's been about 8 months since his last fever, and really we thought he had outgrown them. Apparently being home was helpful, and I suppose it's not a huge shock that within the first few weeks of school his cyclical fevers should re-start. We'll see what happens. We quickly zapped his fever with the handy-dandy steroid treatment, but I think because he has been off them for so long his reaction to the hyper and hallucinating side-affects was pretty severe. Poor boy was jumping around the fire snakes, trying to climb the wall to kill the bats and spiders he saw in our house, and did a fair amount of damage to our orderly home while up during the wee hours of the night as the rest of us slept soundly. I kept him home from school on Thursday, and I'm glad I did. Friday was a short day and he insisted so profusely that he go to school, so I let him. According to his teacher he did just fine. A part of me wishes someone else got to handle him the way he was on Thursday, but I'm also glad he was well-behaved!

The boys have started flag football. Both boys have tried several sports and have yet to determine which one they prefer to single out. I'm fine with that. But it's also a bit annoying having coaches ask if my not very athletic boys are playing a sport for their first time. They've been doing soccer, t-ball, basketball, gymnastics, and now football since they were 3!!! The point is to try something new, discover potential talents, make new friends, have fun exercising, and get tired so they go to bed for me! We really thought Little E would do well with football - he loves to tackle block and run fast, not to mention throw! But he is just so tired after a full day of school he just kind of stands there and watches. Mr. T, however, is thriving! He is totally in his element and loves it. (Notice Little E in the back with the blue hat... not even aware of what is going on a few feet away from him. Poor tired boy!)
We got a bunch of small house projects done on Saturday. I think we went to Lowes and Home Depot about three times each! But it was worth it! Our biggest project was something I've been excited about. I've struggled with our mantle over our fireplace. I'm really not a decorator by nature, but I want things to look "nice". I knew I didn't want a mirror above the fireplace... but we really don't have another nice piece of artwork that is big enough for the room and I didn't want to spend a fortune on something either since we have BIG plans for re-doing our fireplace/mantle in the winter months anyways. So I decided that I wanted to frame the world map that we have had for years and is a part of our home anyways. I hunted for frames forever and finally went to find out how much it would cost to have a custom frame made (with a 50% off coupon of course). WAY TOO MUCH, my friends. Next I decided we could build our own frame. I googled and checked out crafty sites and finally felt ready to tackle that project - with Mr. Man's help and know-how of course. We bought molding that I liked, molding blocks and a large sheet of cheap thin wood for the back of the "frame". We measure and laid it out, then I spray painted the pieces black. Easy breezy and so fun. (Seriously love spray painting... I took down a few other things and spray painted them too while I was at it... a cheap quick way to change a look!) Then we wood glued it all together, used a kajillion clamps and waited. We didn't add glass because we didn't want it too shiny, and we really liked the crumpled/old look of the map as it was. Today it is hanging on the wall and looks so great and fits right in with our room. It's a HUGE piece of artwork and it only cost us about $30 to build the great frame! What do you think?



I also finally found a GREAT high altitude cookie recipe and Miss J and I have been happily baking and pumping out lots of yummy gooey cookies! She has also been big into these fabulous bead things we got from IKEA years ago... you know, the ones you have to iron together afterwards... she had them out to do with a friend on Friday and then has been going at it all weekend! She is so creative and so patient in her creating! I was reading recently about how children who are creative and artsy usually will have a more difficult time reading notes in music... she was thrilled to have her weakness validated by her strengths.
This post is long enough... I'm leaving my deeper thoughts on my life's course for another post another day! Toodles.

Growing Pains

So it's happening. After years of waiting and wanting, I have reached a point where I am preparing to go back to school. The story of my going to and stopping school is much too full of drama to even attempt to write on here - and has the potential of hurting others' feelings - so it will remain unwritten: a tragic tale that will be told time and time again until it is twisted and transformed into something trite. At any rate, I stopped. I stopped when I was only 30 credits (two semesters) shy of graduating. It tugged at my very core for quite some time. I can't tell you how many times I looked into and applied to schools where my husband was attending or applying to, or even several online degree programs. It seemed each time I begrudgingly felt that it wasn't the right time, not the right choice for me and my family at that point in our lives. And so I had babies and raised children and knew that someday my time would come. I don't recall when, how or why, but at some point along my journey that tugging stopped. I was at peace about not being in school, and I felt sure of my chosen "profession." I'm so grateful for that peace. I'm glad I stopped caring, worrying and obsessing.

But now all of that has started up again. For many reasons the time has come for me to return to school. And I couldn't care less. And I don't really want to go. I'm going to have to do so much more than those measly thirty credits, and it just seems like so much to invest: time, money, intelligence: isn't there something better I could invest in? And yet I know that in order to be and do what I want to do I need an education - or at least a degree - since I feel rather educated already. And so, in looking into the application process, I am re-questioning what I want to be when I grow up and wondering which route to take. I hate this. I hate that I used to be so sure and now I am wavering. I suppose I'm still in those terrible twenties where many of life's most difficult decisions are made...

My mind's a jumble.

So, internet, what do YOU think I should be when I grow up?

My Crazy Wonderful Family

Our weekend was a bit crazy! Amongst a million trifles, I went yard-saling and the kids had a talent show. The yard-saling was fun but a bit stressful as I tried to meander my way around streets I have no knowledge of - next time I'm mapping out my route and plan of attack. My most successful purchases were a Columbia snowsuit for Little E and some long-sleeved (Gap) shirts for Miss J - everything for less than $5. For the snowsuit alone, I felt like my morning out was definitely worth it.

The talent show was announced several weeks ago in primary at church. Mr. Man did a Family Home Evening dedicated to the event where we discussed our numerous talents. In the end, the talents the kids picked to present were not what I would ever have guessed, but were something different from the typical singing and dancing and piano playing that usually monopolize such events. Miss J chose to make crazy bread. And she practiced (yum) and perfected (double yum) her making of it too! I wish I'd taken a picture of the great sign she made for it. On it she wrote what it was, who made it and then: "Don't worry, will not actually make you crazy!" Love it. The boys chose to do a lighsaber battle. Un huh. I was a bit worried about this, and actually worked with them to get a little number figured out, with positions, some slow motion, a closing... and with strict command to NOT hurt each other. Well they got up on stage and the crowd drew their breath and ooohed and ahhhhed and suddenly they were in their own world performing for a crowd a lightsaber battle that, while it looked familiar, was not at all what we had practiced. It ended with one hurt and the other ready to retaliate. But it ended. Little E is a true performer and kept a straight face the entire time, oblivious to the audience. Mr. Man asked him prior to his turn if he was nervous and he shook his head and looked at him like, "why on earth would I be nervous?!" They all made me proud. Crazy kids.

This was bedtime stories last night. A la candlelight. Romantic and cozy, right. Well, not if you realize WHY we had to light candles. Friday night we invited our neighbors over for a little BBQ. With extra kids running around, we didn't realize that Little E had snuck into the house and had been gone for a while. I'm not sure why Mr. Man went in, but when he did the sound of rushing water awaited him. Then the incessant screaming of my name. Apparently Little E either had a rather large excretion or else used way too much toilet paper and had clogged the toilet. Hoping it would fix itself, and being a child, he didn't tell us that the toilet was overflowing. Literally flooded the entire bathroom and started into the (carpeted) hallway. We cleaned up as much of the stinky mess as we could, stopped the flow and then returned to our company. A little bit later, Little E came out to report (since we'd given him the "please tell a parent when something goes wrong" lecture) that there was water dripping from the ceiling fan and light in the living room (directly BELOW the bathroom). Sure enough... poopy water was flowing through the ceiling fan onto our nice light carpet. "How to NOT freak out when crap like this happens" would be a good lecture for me to hear! Ugh. So we turned off the power in the living room (that Mr. Man argues is really the family room... another entry altogether) to let the light and fan dry out safely. Thus the candlelit bedtime ritual! Craziness in the midst of happiness. Or perhaps the other way around...

Finding My Place

I've hit this whole new era of motherhood. And while sometimes I read people's blogs or listen to thoughts on their lives and am so impressed that they don't let motherhood define who they are as a person, I've decided I can't help it. For now, it's what I do whole-heartedly and full-time, and really it defines me completely. But motherhood has taken on a new definition lately and I feel a bit lost in my role.

My forte is gone. I am really the best preschool Mom around. I love that age. I BELONG with 3-5 year olds, and I'm good at it. Being good at something makes you happy to do it, and it makes you feel good about yourself as well. Now I'm a school-age Mom (my poor five year old has had to make the leap too early for my liking!). My third grader has friends who want her to meet them at the park. I don't know if my heart can handle letting her ride her bike off down the street the 4 blocks and around the corner to the park without me! My first grader wants to be with his friends (and oh how they abound) every day after school. We need some balance, and I need to learn how to let go.

And then there is The Toddler. I am unabashedly his mother too. ALL DAY LONG. He is teaching me to play again, and I find myself doing things I haven't done forever, like library storytimes and running around the park with him instead of frequenting the bench (my rear may thank me!)

I really don't know how you mothers with teenagers and newborns and all that come between can do it. You are miracle workers for sure.

So I'm lost and am seeking guidance for my new-to-me role. I've got advice coming out of my ears for you preschool Moms - so somebody out there should have something for me before I turn to creating a support group for "lost Moms".

Part of me sees the humor in the fact that I purposely didn't start school this fall so that I could be an anchor of support to all the other family members who will be going through huge transitions, when now I find myself going through a doosy too! At least I know that I learned to walk one step at a time, just like everything else in life. The hard part is acknowledging that falling hurts and that it's part of the process as well.

Family Fun

We loaded up on family for the last two weeks. First Mr. Man's mom and step-dad, then my brother and sister-in-law and finally my sister and her cute little family. They literally overlapped their stays... we felt so spoiled to have constant company and we tried to make the best of each group's visit. We ate good food, played lots of games, enjoyed splashing and relaxing in the hot tub, checked out the campus, explored the beautiful mountains and trails around us, went raspberry and corn picking and much more! Mr. Man also got help with a few house projects from unsuspecting visitors {insert evil laugh here}!!!


Grandma & Grandpa:


Uncle & Auntie:

Cousins:

Now I'm preparing myself for the lonelies. I sent my third child off to school last week and I am inconsolably sad about it. I'm hoping I can get through it and not do something drastic like pull him out and homeschool him (always at the back of my mind as he cries the whole walk to school).

Neither one of us is crying... but we have that same "holding it all in" fake smile.
I mean just look at his sweet little (very young) face as he waves me goodbye on that precious of all "first day of school." I can hardly handle this.

This week I have a small list of projects to tackle with just The Toddler around for company, and am also hoping to make a friend or two (though I KNOW, it will take me a year to get settled in here!) Am also going to start planning our ten year anniversary trip and apply to school (yes, it's my turn now!) So hopefully I'll stay busy and happy in my empty house.

Thanks everyone for coming!