Rejection

I really didn't date a lot in high school.  At times I wanted to.  But that's a whole journal full of stories and feelings.  I remember one crush in particular.  He was shorter than I was, which wasn't a difficult task given my daunting height at an early age, he had long curly hair, and he was from France.  I was enthralled.  I had gone to French immersion schools until high school, and so while I was in tenth grade, my homeroom was and OAC, or grade thirteen French class (we used to have grade thirteen in my province when I was in high school).  This put my locker right beside this boy, who I hoped would think I too was in grade thirteen.  I was also well beyond my class in my French speaking ability and was often matched up with The Boy from France to work together in class.  To make a long crush story short, I was sure he was going to ask me out any time.  I waited for notes to be slipped in my locker, waited for him to utter romantic French whisperings during class, waited for him to ask for my phone number.  After a while, I grew tired of waiting and anxious to see him smile at me more often, and so I confidently asked him out myself.  He made a small joke which I tried to understand, and he walked away leaving me standing there stunned and confused.  He was a low-talker, and I couldn't be sure I had heard him right, and if I had... what had it meant?  So I asked again.  This time he told me he had a girlfriend.  I felt jaded.  Suddenly out of nowhere was this girl, and he was with her constantly.  They ate lunch together, she was at his locker with him... how had I never noticed her before?  It was a memorable rejection.  There was no, "it's not you, it's me" but more like "it can't be you, I already chose sombody else."  And, in my mind, I felt he was choosing someone who was better than me (because she had him) and so in being rejected I was somehow less than I had been before; worse off, not as hopeful or confident, and still without a boyfriend.

Yesterday I got a letter in the mail.  For the first time in my post-secondary education I didn't get a scholarship.  At first I was shocked.  I wrote a captivating essay, I had two of the most amazing and brilliant people write me incredible letters of recommendation, and I felt that I really deserved at least one of the five scholarships I had applied for.  And yet here was this letter, informing me that candidates had been chosen and I wasn't one of them.  After the shock wave blew over, I felt sad and dissapointed.  A little bit of my hope and confidence shaken, and more than mediocre.  Humbled really.  Little E was with me when I read the letter and seeing my reaction asked what it was about.  I read him the letter and explained it to him and he patted my shoulder and told me I could try again next year and get it (the letter encouraged trying again as a returning student).  Maybe I will.  For now, I feel a little like a tenth grader trying to get an older boy to notice me, giving it my all, and then being rejected.