I’m not sure if anyone will still read this blog, and I really wonder why anyone does anyways. But I’ve decided to share my story of why I fell off the blogosphere and other spheres for a time. Therapeutically, writing this helps me, but I can just as easily keep it written and hidden. However, my hope is that my experiences in life help others either in their own lives, or in our attempt to have empathy and love for those around us; and understanding things that we may never experience ourselves can aid in that endeavor.
This was me last fall:
I hit rock bottom. My fall sucked.
There really aren’t words for all that I was feeling and going through. Basically I was done. And while I hated feeling that way, pretending that I wasn’t was just making me feel worse. I know from experience that even if you fake happiness and togetherness long enough, it doesn’t make it real. I had everything good in my life, and yet I couldn’t enjoy it or experience happiness. And that’s just not fair. I really feel that we all deserve to feel happiness. And when you can’t, you need to get help to feel it. Of course, try telling that to someone who is depressed. I knew I wasn’t happy, I knew I couldn’t “feel” and I knew that this problem was making me intolerable to live with or be around. My solution, at the time, was to make the problem go away so my family could be happy. And with me being the problem, I resolved to leave. I would hide under the covers of a bed somewhere and sleep and not cause problems anymore. At the time, I was hardly eating (just didn’t enjoy it – not even chocolate) and had lost a good ten pounds, so lack of food under my covers wouldn’t be a problem. Hopefully after some time I would simply cease to exist. My biggest worry with this plan was that there really was an afterlife where I would no longer be able to hide and once again have expectations I didn’t feel I could meet. I know this may all sound crazy, but I’m not joking; this was my reality.
I felt completely overwhelmed. I had so much to do, and yet I would sit in my house not doing anything because I just couldn’t. Doing anything was like moving a mountain. I was exhausted: physically, mentally and spiritually. Drained and done and ready to leave, my husband begged me to go see a doctor before I went. I told him I didn’t have time. He made the appointment; I canceled my afternoon and got a babysitter. And then I bawled my eyes out to my wonderful Doctor who agreed that I shouldn’t feel this way and promised to help me feel better for Christmas. Of course he asked how I was eating and sleeping, if and when I was exercising, how my relationship with my husband was, how often I had alone time… and I looked at him like, “how is a depressed person supposed to do any of that?” I was beyond the healthy habits tricks. So for the time being, I am on medication to help me get to the point that I can work on making myself healthy again; healthy and, hopefully, happy. I have references for therapists… but have a hard time making that step. Not sure how spending $180/hr will help me not stress about money or time. I know what my problems are, just don’t know how to fix them all yet.
The fact that I could cry (and cry a LOT) was a good sign to me. Ten years ago, when I suffered from severe postpartum depression, I was so far gone that I couldn’t feel anything and couldn’t cry if I wanted to. So, I’m looking on the bright side at the fact that I spent weeks doing nothing but cry. Tears can be healing, right?!
Ironically, this blog is about my many coloured days, and yet I didn’t want to share the dark days. Really I couldn’t. But I’m going to try, and hope that they get brighter.
Merry and bright. Because ‘tis the season.
13 comments:
I am a forever faithful blog stalker, and will always read what you have to say. And I love you. Thanks for sharing the dark days along with the lights. And I hope you have a Merry Christmas. :)
Life is real and a blog should be real. Thanks for sharing! Having to live with someone with severe depression, it is very very hard. I would suggest spending the money on a therapist. Maybe you can find someone a little more reasonably priced. Sometimes it just helps to talk to someone who knows nothing about you and can be that neutral party to whom you can share and know you won't be judged. They will also help give you tools to deal with the day to day blues. Hang in there MMCD, I'm glad you are real because that's what really matters to me! Luv U!
I was thinking about you just this very morning and wondering what you have been up to. I am glad to see an update!
"I know this may all sound crazy, but I’m not joking; this was my reality." Oh, no--not crazy! So sad that you have to endure it, but not crazy because I have felt just that very same way! (Except that I have wanted to find a cave.) I have wanted to cease to exist in all forms, and been so very, very frustrated that it wasn't possible. And it is so aggravating to look at the smallest, simplest thing and feel like it would require superhuman skill and strength to do it--and to know you "shouldn't" feel that way. But it is so very real, and so very hard. I am so sorry that you have been going through such a low time and I send my biggest hugs, empathy, and prayers. You've gotten through this type of thing before, and so have I. You will do it again (even though at times you won't feel like it!).
Are there any LDS Family Resources available in your area? I was completely against counseling and still have issues with it, but DH and I were able to be served by them for a little while by going in and addressing some issues together that were triggers for some of my depression. Though we didn't continue (mostly because we had the unfortunate circumstances that therapists moved unexpectedly twice), what we did was helpful (and much less costly than what you're looking at). Also, some of it may be able to be covered by insurance.
With whatever you do, and however you get through it, know that others have been there, too, and that you are not alone and are loved from afar! I am rooting for you--from the trenches!!!
i am so glad to see you blogging again, i really enjoy reading it! I am thankful that you shared this, as I am dealing with the same issue right now and felt like you were speaking from my own heart--just don't have the motivation to say it myself:) Here is to getting help and finding a good medication in the meantime :)
I wish I could come over and give you a giant hug right now. Know that I love you very much and I have seen a glimpse of that kind of 'reality'. I won't say I understand how you feel, but I can understand the lonliness, the fatigue, and the sadness that comes. Wish I could do something more than pray for you, but I also know that's a big help in other ways. I love you. <3
P.S. Sorry to write a novel... :)
Thank you for sharing this with us. Sending you lots of love and hugs. I have experienced my own brand of "funky town" and am so sorry that you have been a resident there too.
Wishing you the very, very best as you find your way back to a happier place. You are loved. You are such a kind, loving person. You have so much goodness in your soul. I am so sorry that you've had so much pain recently. It is a struggle to get out of these pits of life, but you have a strong, fighting soul, girl. Thinking of you.
Thanks for being brave enough to be real. Sometimes it's easy to look at the things other people blog and think that they are having more fun, have a happier life, have got it more together, etc. than you do. But then, all we see is a glimpse - of what they are willing to share.
I know I don't have it all together - some days are good, some days not so much. Somehow, we're all still alive and headed in the right direction in general though.
You are so talented. Get better - try not to give a flip about what people think, and learn to love the imperfect you.
I am so glad you posted. I have been thinking a lot about you. I guess that means I should have called by now. Keep hanging in there. You are an amazing woman. I know you will come out on top, you always do. Love you.
glad you're back and on the mend.... sending love.
❤ ♡ ♥
I love to stop by and read in part because I feel like you can say what I don't have the talents to communicate. You amaze and inspire me.
I had a friend once who said to me, "I think everyone would be happier if they had a therapist." Maybe she was right :)
YOU ARE WORTH ANY COST.
Ditto to Lori's comment!! You are so strong and courageous! What you shared is so insightful and helpful!! Thank You!! and I love you, too!!!!
Renee,
My dear ole friend. I just spent the last hour updating myself on your blog -- I am such a bad friend! I had no idea you were struggling. I applaud you for shining a light on this topic that so few talk about. My sister has struggled with depression for many, many years, and hearing her stories and reading yours helps me learn more about this. My heart goes out to you and your family. We love you! You are so strong. I am glad you are getting help. My Ethan doesn't have depression, but ADHD/ODD. Many people told me he didn't have it or that we could solve his problem naturally, but I knew he needed medicine & therapy. It has been life changing for the good -- and the worse when the meds gave him anger issues -- but things are looking up and we are coming up with the right combo. I'm glad you are doing what's right for you!
Love you!
Lori
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