everything is right on the surface

I'm sure I've mentioned before that the first time I dealt with depression I couldn't feel at all. I couldn't feel anything. The thing I missed the most was feeling love. I discussed with Mr. Man, in all seriousness, the option of giving my baby up for adoption. I couldn't feel love for my baby, and I also remembered feeling happy and love before... so maybe that would fix me. Mr. Man agreed with me that we would look into all the options, while silently freaking out inside. It pains me to see pictures of my first baby, because I was so far gone that I wasn't really present and don't remember much from that time. Maybe that's why I always ached for another baby girl, because I wanted to really experience enjoying a baby girl. I always felt cheated a little when I would find out time and time again that I was having another boy. But in a way, it's only just that I have my one little girl whom I cannot imagine ever being unable to love.

I remember when I was on the road to being healthy again that I was taking a shower when I suddenly began to feel again. We were living in Hawaii at the time, and in our shower there was a louvered window that you could literally look out from (if you were tall enough) while showering. I looked out and saw what a beautiful day it was, I could feel the sunshine. I could feel the water as it hit my body and cleansed me. And suddenly, on top of those two intense feelings, I could feel love again. Inside, I celebrated this moment. And I can still recall how significant this experience was to me; how incredible it is to "feel."

This time is different. This time I can feel too much. Everything is right there on the surface and I can barely contain myself with all that I feel. Tears are almost always there, brimming and pleading for escape. There are some of you out there who have done unbelievable things for me recently, and consequently overwhelmed me. I have spent hours crying after your deliveries, emails and phone calls have come. I don't feel like I deserve it; and yet I feel your love pounding through my veins. I feel too much and I don't know what to do with all that I feel.

Not feeling and feeling too much are both hard burdens to bear... at least for me.

Please bear with me as I try to sort through all of this. It's often too much for me to pick up the phone, or to reply to your messages of hope and advice. But it is very appreciated. Thank you.