Yesterday was a bad day, however, and I find myself wondering and praying for help to know what to do to want to get better. I remember a person I used to be and sometimes I think I am her, but more often than not I can't summon the energy to try, and I wonder what will become of me if I can't try.
The worst of all of this is that I know in reality that my lot in life is supreme. I can't complain, or at least I shouldn't. And I HATE that I feel this way and can't function the way I want to. It's similar to when I was on bedrest with my last pregnancy. There was so much I wanted to do and knew that I could, and yet I just had to sit there and let a lot of things pass by. I want to be fully present. I want to enjoy my life, my family and Christmas. I want to want to do things and I would really like if it came naturally. For now I'm just doing my best and trying not to let the guilt of all that I can't do overcome me and freeze me up entirely. Maybe I will give everyone some guilt this Christmas and then I won't have any left for myself.
On a happy note, because I have to find things to make me smile - my son had crazy hair day in his class recently. The week prior he had been star of the week and had brought in pictures of the "jayhawk" haircut he gave himself when he was younger. It made him famous at school apparently. So, good parents that we are, we let him sport his jayhawk haircut to school to please his fans. He came home early that day sick, but pleased that he had been able to show off his invention once again. (It's now all the same length again!!!)
2008 "Jayhawk"
2011 "Jayhawk"
4 comments:
hi renee, i just caught myself up on your blog and i'm sending you a giant hug! i, too, had a struggle with depression about three years ago and experienced so much of what you described. i was on celexa until just a couple of months ago and i guess i'm just here to remind you that it's temporary and that you'll find your way back! love you, friend!
What a darling guy with his haircut! Sending you the very best. It will get better....I promise. By the way, have you ever had your vitamin D levels checked? It's a simple blood test, and I just had one done and mine came out low. There has been a whole bunch of research that has connected Vitamin D to mood issues (and no, it's not just some hippie naturopath saying this stuff:) Wishing you the very, very best.
I don't know if you remember me, but we met a few times at WonderLab and maybe elsewhere when we all lived in Bloomington. Anyway - I just wanted to give you a ((hug)) and say I know what you are talking about with the anxiety. I too struggle with it and sometimes feel like I am wasting my life away with these obsessive, ridiculous thoughts and behaviors. I do hope your medicine works for you, and if not, try, try again! Merry Christmas to you and your family!
I know how you feel (and I'm not just saying that). Call me anytime. Miss you. (LOVE the haircut--he is such a handsome boy--yet another "G" boy who will have to fight off the ladies...)
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