Yesterday, after enduring a never-ending headache all day long, I curled up in the crook of my husband's arm to go to sleep. And suddenly I found myself crying. I don't cry very much. And when I do, I can easily put a feeling or reason to those tears. But last night it took me much longer to figure it out.
I had a wonderful friend and neighbor once who I envied for many reasons. She was always so even-keeled and happy. And being moody and unpredictable, I craved that. She once divulged that she cried often and almost had a good cry every night. And I remember thinking, well maybe that's the secret. She lets it all out, and somehow all my emotions stay tucked inside until...
So last night as I had tears flowing down my face I thought about how I was having a good-end-of-the-day cry. It was a release. And as soon as I acknowledged my tears, I could put a reason to them. I felt homesick. Homesick for my childhood home and simplicity, homesick for having a brand new baby and really no other cares in the world, homesick for old friends, homesick for family and celebrations and holidays past, homesick for my memories. And yet, unlike the regular sort of homesickness where you can easily hop on a plane or train or car and return home after an extended time away, I can't go back. Only forward. Acknowledging the memories and what I miss, and dedicated to making more. I can only imagine how much I will cry and how homesick I will be when I am an old lady, with great-grandchildren, sitting on my porch swing remembering. Now, off to make sure that amidst those tears I will also have a wrinkly old smile smothering my face.
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7 comments:
Must have been one of those days, as I also shed tears of sadness for days gone by, now that we are officially 'empty nesters'! No doubt, I raised my children to be independent and to prayerfully live where they felt they should, once leaving home. I didn't quite realize how far all my children and grandchildren would be and I miss them all terribly. I pray you will have great-grandchildren on your porch swing in the future. I too am grateful for memories!!
Something went wrong and I didn't mean to be 'anonymous'!
Oh, this post made me sad. I, too, have had those days when I so miss days gone by. At times that I feel homesick (because I have many times in the last year especially) I tell myself "onward and upward", because really so many great and happy things are happening in my life right now and I know I will someday miss these days as well... such is life I suppose.
We miss your family terribly!
Oh so familiar! Thanks for making me feel a bit more normal!
I know that feeling all too well. Sending hugs! Although a cry can make things feel better and not feel better, we can always remember the memories and recreate those memories in a new, present way.
Your post is making me cry! Couldn't agree more! Miss ya!
i hear ya here too my dear!! i hear ya!! it's hard "growing up", eh??
*sigh*
xo
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