I'm Taking Over

I used to be a rather normal person. But then I suffered from severe postpartum depression. After I finally recovered, after a very long and devastating year and a half, I have found that I am much more susceptable to mood swings. "That time of the month" has gotten worse with each child, the winter months that bring the January and sometimes even February blues are harder to handle, and I get more melancholy more easily. I have some very hard days. I have to try very hard to not let my "mood" take me over. And sometimes it's easier to just not try. This week has been one where I come away and think, "my gosh, I think I'm depressed." And it's not even like anything bad is happening in my life. Everything is, on the whole, wonderful. Yet I get it. I get depression. Unfortunately. And I don't want it to take over.

As part of my plan for to enrich my family, we have been learning a little about either an artist or composer each month. My children seem to pick up on the most random details about these amazing people (Little E often reminds us that Van Gogh shot himself because he had a sickness called "depression"), and I am struck by how many true artists (including musicians and authors) suffered from severe depression. In some cases, depression allows a clarity of vision, and a view of the world not seldom seen. Having such lows can also allow the highs that can be both beautiful and dangerous. Virginia Woolf is a favourite author and Mr. Man often questions her life and death and how the provision of modern day medicine could have helped her and so many others. And I question if she could have created what she did under the dullness that medication profers. Being able to feel: both the good and the bad is a curse and a blessing. But one that needs to be controlled or else it controls.

I just finished reading the young adult trilogy by Scott Westerfield: "The Uglies" "The Pretties" and "The Specials." It was a fun read. But also got me thinking. In the books there is a young woman who fights against societal trends, norms and even brain controlling by the government. With her mind, her will, strength and love she fights the pull that should control her and take over. She opts NOT to take a pill that will change her mind for her, but instead chooses to battle and change her mind alone.

I've been on medication before. I know that it can make a huge difference. I constantly check in with myself to see if I am at the point where I need that ease and survival that anti-depressants can provide. I'm not at that point, thankfully. But I am doing a self-check and making some changes to try to fight that mental trend to spiral downwards. I pray for the courage to fight this battle and the stamina to endure the highs and lows that make up my many coloured days.