I’ve hit a lull. I have zero reasons to be in this: we are all healthy, unlike many others our future employment is secure, I’m not pregnant, and yet I’m crabby. I am completely unmotivated, I despise any and all obligations to which I’ve committed myself, I can’t sleep, I can hardly eat and I’m not enjoy any of this. I’m disappointed frequently, and find little enjoyment in anything. I know this sounds like a commercial for some sort of anti-depressant, but I’m hoping it doesn’t get to that point and this is just part of our “transition” and I transition out of it quickly.
Despite knowing where we will be next fall, we have so many things still up in the air. If one more person asks me when we are moving I’ll probably bite their head off. I wish I knew. I abhor change. I’m not excited to have to get to know everything new about a new town: new school(s) for the kids, a new ward, new parks, new grocery stores, new streets to drive and, hopefully, new friends. I know from experience it takes us about a year to feel like we are starting to enjoy a new town. And a year is starting to feel like it will last an eternity, especially as the days are dragging on at present. I’m starting to worry that we are going to absolutely hate our new town and regret every decision that drove us WAY out WEST. And yet at the same time I can’t wait to get out of here. I’m sick and tired of fitting six of us in this tiny place, tired of some of the annoying things and people with which we co-exist, bored really of the day-to-day grind and ready for something different. Just not sure that something different is a big change.
I know I make no sense. And so I’ve kept most of this, and more, tucked up inside me. This weekend I let go of my escapism-reading long enough to utter a row of expletives in my too-small home and then spent several sleepless nights talking with Mr. Man, who surprisingly seems to understand, and amidst all my abnormalities and polar tendencies thinks my feelings are normal and expected. He loves me. He hasn’t said so, but I’m sure he’s thinking a line from the movie Twilight:“Your mood swings are starting to give me whiplash” – or however it goes. Feeling understood gave me the boost to attend a piano recital I had no desire to go to, the motivation to go to church.. and sub in primary, and even to smile on the outside when there are no smiles inside.
So that’s that. I’m starting to try to plan a fun summer, but in the back of my mind I know that any plan I make has great odds of being tossed to the wind. For now, I promised my understanding husband that I would pretend to be happy and hopefully it will catch on and become not only surreal, but real and normal as well.
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10 comments:
Don't even ask me about going postal on the after-hours maintenance guy the other day when our sink clogged for the third weekend in a row. I get you completely!
I think they call it "eustress" or something like that. I understand about the husband thing too - sometimes I feel the need to thank Chris for sticking by me - and I too have those polar times and days. I think you are pretty normal really. ;) Perhaps you are putting too much pressure on yourself? I hope all of the unknowns will start to be known and that things will start falling into place! :)
It is completely normal girl! I am with you all the way! You just put a lot of my thoughts into words! Love ya and miss ya!
Oh my goodness- I sure needed to read your post. There is no sarcasim in my voice I assure you but I just thought you never had "those feelings". I am recovering from a whiplash weekend and trying to recenter. Last week was busy plus I caught a cold so I realized that I am not so good with obligation- I prefer a call in the morning to say "hey if you have time today, why don't we...". When the calendar is full of commitments from the school and even people I love, it mentally makes me tired. Waking up early and doing 30min of yoga has been helping a ton. Because of the cold I have found excuses to not do it for 4 days and began again today. It is remarkable what a bit of deep breathing and stretching can do- ahhh the stretching. With young children it amazing how sore and stressed our muscles get and contribute to overall fatigue. Can you have just one day all to yourself? Even a few hours to go to the library alone and then grab a cup of herbal tea at a pretty cafe so you can experience uninterrupted calm? At the library why not grab a bunch of books about decorating a child-friendly home and some travel books about the new place you are moving to to inspire you about this final move (fingers crossed).
Hope you can iron out those frazzeled nerves. Don't worry about making friends- you are a smart, beautiful, kind person that people are automatically drawn to. In all those moves have you ever had trouble making friends. We have quite different backgrounds and lived together for just a year so many years ago and I still consider you a friend. You are just that wonderful and impressive just being you- I know because I lived with you *lol*!
Thanks for sharing--I'm here for you across all these miles! I think there's something about working hard for something for years and years and then all of a sudden it's there, and you don't know what to do with it or where to go next. I promise you will love your new town just like you have loved your last two towns--just because of who you are. It will be great--but anticipation is a killer sometimes. Hang in there!
I'm sorry, Renee! I also hate change. :( However, you should be able to have stability again, and it should last a long time. You definitely have a right to feel the way you're feeling, too! Hang in there.
I love you!- truely and you are in our prayers.
I totally totally understand! You are totally normal. It's stressful and it sucks. Just TRY to trust that the Lord will work it all out and look at exciting/happy things - make a list! And that list will surely grow with time. Here's one for starters: at least Mr. Man is understanding. Oh, and EXERCISE!
oh i understand completely! you sure did put all your feelings into great words . . . such a great writer you are! i am so curious as to where you are moving. so if you could kindly email me and let me know, because i live WAY WEST, maybe it is close to me??? flibbie2@hotmail.com. thanks in advance!
Hooray for patient, kind, understanding husbands! And best wishes as you move through this time in your life. You will overcome and succeed, for you are that kind of strong and wonderful person. Hopefully writing helped lift a little of your burden, and know that you are in the thoughts and prayers of many! I am positive that the Lord has MANY wonderful things in store for you and yours! May you be feeling better soon!!!
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