Inconsistent Parenting

As someone who loves routine and organized structure, it's hard for me to look at my parenting style and realize that I embrace inconsistent parenting. You may not have heard of this style, but I am it's poster parent. I actually just googled it, and found it described under "7 Common Parenting Mistakes" or learned that "few things can harm your children more than an inconsistent parenting style." I beg to differ. Though I may not have the style down pat, I'm getting pretty good at consistently being inconsistent, and I think my kids are thriving because of it.

Let's start with their births. Each one differed. I've had an emergency c-section on my due date, an induced VBAC 2 weeks early, a "going into labor on my own" VBAC with epidural (also a week or so early), and then a natural birth - 2 weeks overdue! Talk about inconsistent! I never knew what to expect and so I had to prepare for every possible way. Beyond preparation, I had to "let go and let God." I put my life and my births into His hands, because I couldn't possibly control them.

Then comes the feeding. I've blogged about breastfeeding before, but to sum it up, I pumped and bottle-fed my first, nursed and supplemented (with formula) my second, and exclusively nursed the next two for very lengthy periods. I went into motherhood convinced that I would have a certain style, the one passed on to me by my mother which sounded very orderly and routine: nurse every 3-4 hours for 6 months. But, it didn't work for me or my babies. And what worked for one, didn't work for another. In being inconsistent, I was able to meet the needs of my babies. The flexibility taught me to relax and feel for what was best for both myself and my child... and it was enjoyable, though not predictable.

Move on a few years to the preschool era. One of my favourites. With my first I did a "preschool co-op"... three different ones actually. At one point, having a one year old and a newborn, we tried putting her in a "regular" preschool. She went for about a week or so and then I pulled her out. It was too long, too often, and wasn't good enough for me. I wasn't in the market for childcare, and I felt that that was all I was getting. I wanted more for her. And so I kept her home, not even looking at other options. We started my second in a Joy School co-op - because I was so excited to play with that curriculum. But the group was ill-suited for him and so I pulled him out of that too and put him in a Christian preschool which we ended up doing for two years and loved. My third did Joy School for one year with a smaller, closer group which turned out wonderfully, then we put him in a YMCA preschool where all he really did was swim and play basketball - no numbers or letters or learning - but we felt he needed a physical outlet. He's the only one I hadn't had start something and quit in order to phase in my inconsistent parenting and find what would suit him the best.... that is, until this year!

Little E started kindergarten a few weeks ago. He cried every day on the walk to school. He begged me not to leave him. He wanted to go home. (He is my homebody.) His teacher said he did just fine. I stayed a few times and went in to help, and yup, he was fine alright. But not totally himself. After school was the worst. He was always happy when he ran out and threw his arms around me for a big hug (love it!) But then he would be tired, crabby, clingy, crying, and even aggressive with his siblings. He was worn out. I hated that he had to spend all day away from me, and then when he was finally home, he was too worn out to have any fun or be enjoyable to be around.

But I was finally having some ME-TIME! With just The Toddler, I could run errands in (mostly) peace, have time for projects while he napped, and enjoy some serious one-on-one time with my two year old. Plus, I was planning to go back to school. It was going to finally be my turn, and what was so bad about putting my child in school anyways? He'd get used to it eventually. It was ONLY seven hours a day. Surely because he had already lost his lunch box twice in a week things would get better and he would learn responsibility along with making friends and whatever else they teach in public school kindergarten. Couldn't I be selfish just this once, even though I knew that he would do so much better at home with the kindergarten lesson plans I saved (for some reason) from homeschooling his brother last year? Even though I knew he really needed to be home and with me for one more year. Could I ignore his needs to meet my own? The arguing in my head was giving me inconsistent headaches.

In the end my plans for going to school changed. For many reasons it will be better for me to start in the fall -thus freeing up next semester. I admit that had I made that decision before school started, I never would have put Little E in all-day kindergarten to begin with. We decided to do a trial homeschool day. I made it pretty difficult, because I wanted to see if he would "work" for me. And I wanted to have an educated example and decision to pray about. Well, it wasn't all peaches and cream, but he did well. We both did. And The Toddler threw less tantrums and enjoyed having a playmate as well. I spoke with his teacher about our decision and she has been so supportive and helpful. If I were to pull him out at lunch time, she agreed that he would only receive a half-curriculum and would be ill-prepared for first grade. But I can give him a full-curriculum in a half-day at home and he will be just fine. And he's happy. And already reading small words (which is HUGE for him!) and when I just get over myself and my selfish craving for more me-time, I am really happy to have this opportunity and the joy that comes from teaching and being home with my two little boys.

Hopefully I'm not damaging my children by my inconsistent parenting. I'm trying to find out what they need, and I'm trying to "let go and let God" since they are truly His children. And so we begin the journey of another year of homeschooling. I think it is less of a trend here than in our last town, so we've already gotten a few "looks" and "concerned comments"... but I'm confirmed in my decision. Why does it take me so long to get these parenting things figured out?!