If you chance to meet a frown…

Why not let it stay?
Most are too quick to turn it upside down and fake that smile all day!
(my take on the Primary song!)

So I’m down. It’s official. Last week I kept putting off blogging all sorts of commemorative items, such as Little E’s third birthday, my official one year anniversary of sharing intimate details of my life online, a fun night of a bunch of friends (and ALL their kids) making me over a dozen meals to freeze for when Mr. Man is gone, Mothers Day… and so forth. Now it feels like it’s too late, and that’s okay.

I’m challenged at what to write lately, and while I have been filling page after page in my journal, this blog has remained the same for over a week. Much has transpired. I feel uncertain about a lot of my own feelings. I’m unsure if my outlook is too negative when expressed in writing, and I’m complacent about all the upside happenings too. I feel like everyone I know seems to be having really horrible things happening in their lives and to them right now, and I can’t get off my butt to help at all – and yet I’m whining about my predicament. I feel ungrateful and a bit down about life and circumstances in general.

I’m tired of being needy. I’m tired of having help and not being able to help anyone else. I hurt. My leg aches and the pain is increasing and it’s not fun. I yell at my kids. I cry a lot. And I’m scared to death that this emotional wreck that has become me is going to suffer from severe postpartum depression once again. I keep counting down this whole bed rest thing by the week, but I fear I may be a wreck after giving birth too – or else some major trauma with the baby – I don’t know… I’m being completely illogical and totally paranoid, but I just want to feel normal and myself again, and get out and get some fresh air.

So instead of faking it, I’ve just been mostly avoiding it. Now I’m just going to spare you most of the “I feel” details that bore my husband each night to pieces and share a fun thought from a rather interesting, though colourful book I just finished reading. The author is sharing her thoughts about a poem, and I needed to read this last week:

“It got me thinking. It was about how while we are on earth, our limitations are such that we can only see the underside of the tapestry that God is weaving. God sees the topside, the whole evolving portrait and its amazing beauty, and uses us as the pieces of thread to weave the picture. We see the glorious colors and shadings, but we also see the knots and the threads hanging down, the thick lumpy patches, the tangles. But God and the people in heaven with him see how beautiful the portraits in the tapestry are. The poem says in this flowery way that faith is about the willingness to be used by God wherever and however he most needs you, most needs the piece of thread that is your life. You give him your life to put through his needle, to use as he sees fit.”

Nice isn't it. So ignore this post and hopefully this season will pass and I'll have something momentous, witty or inspiring to share another day. For now you can know that my thread is blowing in the wind, but that I'm grateful for the many of you whose threads are keeping mine at least somewhat connected to the real picture!