Littlest Guy's Journal

I have little journals for each of my kids. The eldest has many entries by both Mom and Dad as though we were her at age 2 months and so forth. The second has monthly entries that mostly compile what he is up to and little cute comments he made. The third has mostly the "overheard" cute things kids say. And the fourth... well his journal doesn't even have his name in it. Bummer. But he also has way more pictures taken of his baby and toddler years (praise digital cameras... now if I could just get them all printed) and he does have an active blogger Mommy... so he's not off too badly. At any rate, if you find me recording more of the cute things this guy says, it's because of his lack of a journal and also... well my big kids don't often say cute things anymore. Annoying. Guess I need to pull out their journals at times to remember when they were so darn adorable. Don't get me wrong, I think they're adorable, just minus the speech impediments and wacky brain connections that make the wildest things come out of their mouths.

Here's the short list for the week, I really wish I could remember them all.


"I'm exhausting!" (He says this quite often when he's tired, but I always agree - hee hee!)

"I almost flushed me down the toilet and then I would die. But don't worry Mommy, Jesus will make me back alive if I don't like it in the sky."

"I can't eat my chicken, all my teeth fell out." (He has two brothers that are missing a multitude of teeth right now and can't eat things like apples!)

"I don't have any friends. Only people who want me to be there friend but I'm not."

"Cookies are good for MY body." (After telling him that too many cookies aren't good for our bodies.)

"When I had no teeth I used to nurse on you." (When he walked in on me getting out of the shower.)

"It's called HIDE and GO SEEK Mom. I hide and YOU go seek."

(These pictures are from me trying to get a picture of his hilarious hat head... it turned into a game of chase and hide and go seek. I have about 20 outtakes too!)

you don't know what you've got till it's gone

Not long ago I ran into an aisle of books and nearly died. I am so far behind in reading new books.

I pointed at almost every other book and informed Mr. Man that I just HAD to have and read them. And then I sighed. My readings are much more informative than entertaining for now. And my leisurely book-reading has entered a temporary pause as I read and study textbooks that cost way more than any hardback bestseller would ever dream of selling for. And then I said it: "I miss being a stay-at-home mom and sitting around and reading all day." Mr. Man looked at me strangely, because that's what I had been trying to convince him I was NOT doing for years! And really I wasn't... but you know there are definitely days you can sacrifice housework and mothering (well) and just let yourself get carried away by a good, or at least entertaining, book.
I miss having my little crazy crew... they are growing up way too fast into these responsible but very funny people. And I never really understood when people said that the baby, toddler and preschool years really were the most laid back and easy times. They were so busy and so hard at so many times, and yet they are gone and I miss them. Those were the good old days. It's something you have to live through to believe and understand. Because NOW life is so busy and crazy (don't tell me about the teenage years... this is all I can handle for now). And so I am glad that amidst it all, I HAVE enjoyed the moments - while always looking forward and a little bit back. I think life isn't just about living in the moment, but of gathering past moments and preparing for future moments as well. Because whether the grass is green, brown or covered with a pile of snow, it's what we have and it's better than a parking lot.

An Honest Day's Work

It must be in the air, because I feel like several people have re-dedicated themselves to family fun in 2011. We have made it a priority to do one BIG and FUN family activity each month. We had decided a while ago to spend President's Day (a day we ALL have off) to finally take our family skiing. We live minutes from several ski resorts, and I swear we're the only family living here that doesn't spend every weekend skiing or having our kids do ski school. So we decided we would do it. Scary. Mr. Man has only skied once before, the kids NEVER, and I have never skied on a REAL mountain. Much to our dismay, the kids were not thrilled at all. In fact they were very insistent that they did NOT want to go skiing. They were scared and unsure and so that made me even more dedicated to taking them skiing so they could see how much fun it would be. At the same time, we wondered why we were going to drop so much money on something we would have to drag our children to do.

On Friday, Mr. Man asked what I thought about a quick weekend getaway instead of going skiing. We found a hotel a few hours away with an indoor water park and quickly made a reservation. The kids were delighted with the change in plans... and off we went. It's funny what living in a small town will do, but we also found great joy and good deals at stores we don't have: Kohls, Toys'RUs and eating at Olive Garden. And we spent hours and hours swimming and sliding and having fun at the water park.


And yes, I was the screaming woman getting thrills going down the slide!
It was a pure delight to be inside in steaming swimsuits while the snow came down the temperature outside was a mere 3 degrees Fahrenheit.

When it was time to head home, Mr. Man went to scrape off the car and heat it up while I checked out. I was looking over our bill and was a bit puzzled by how little it was. Since I had estimated how much our weekend getaway would cost. I realized that we had been charged for our room but not for our 6 swim park passes. So I went back to the front desk and let them know I thought I'd been undercharged. The one lady at the front desk just looked at me and said: "Wow! Why are you being honest?" I felt almost guilty and a bit self-righteous, while I hadn't even thought twice about it before. The gentleman serving me called up the water park front desk and tried to sort things out on his computer (since we had billed them to our room) and finally looked at me, called me by name and said "Thanks for your honesty. You swam free this weekend. Have a good day."

So great!!! And what a good ending to a fun weekend and a great story to tell my kids. We are reading these great books "Knights of Right" written by a young 17 year old high school student that are adventurous as well as teaching great principles in an effective manner. We had just been reading about honesty! I told the kids we could have swam free without me going back up to the front desk, but that I would have felt horrible; honesty really does pay off, even if we have to pay up. Just this time we didn't!

And now we have a day off before we get back to real life too (a day of homework for me). It was so worth it to get away. Life is good.

Overheard

Miss J was struggling to get her brothers to listen to her, exasperated she declared:
"You're not even listening to me. Here I am talking, and you're just acting like you're on Mars or something."
Little E: "Mars? Mars is so cool. It's the planet the farthest from the sun."
Miss J: "That's Pluto."
Little E: "Oh right. Pluto is so cool.
Miss J: "Well stop acting like you're on Pluto."

*******************************************
Little E has been looking for his Indiana Jones whip. He has all the other gear, and was trying to get his Dad to help him look for it.
Dad: "Well, what will I get out of it? Can I wear your boots if I find your whip?"
Little E: "No. They're too small for you."
Dad: "Can I wear your vest?"
Little E: "No. Dad, just help me look."
Dad: "Can I shoot off your gun?"
Little E: "No. I need my gun."
Dad: "Well then, what will I get if I help you look for it?"
Little E: "A good feeling."

Home Sick

It's been a week. Man oh man. I know we're ALL super busy people, and it's boring to hear what other people are busy doing all the time, but this is MY blog and I want to look back and know what I did in all of my busyness.

Sunday was a good day. I got lots of things checked off my to-do list, fulfilled my calling to the best of my abilities, and even had a decent family home evening. We also had people over for dinner. This is huge for me right now. We used to LOVE having people over for dinner and games all the time, but it's been months and months and months since I could even wrap my mind around having people over. So I took the plunge, invited, they accepted and came and it was good.

Of course I had forgotten that I had also invited the LDS missionaries over for dinner on Monday (for valentines day) too... and two days in a row of company was a little too much for this recovering mama.

Other than that valentines day went without a hitch. Mr. Man thanks my math professor for assigning a probability and statistics exam for the day after valentines day... since the odds of me spending any time with him were quite low. However, we are planning a big ALONE trip for the near future which should help increase the probability of romantic time alone.

Tuesday: school, exam, taekwondo, dinner, baths, books, homework, start studying for another midterm.

Wednesday I mostly studied for my midterm today, then of course the kids had an early release day so I took them with me to run a couple of errands for Mr. Man's blue and gold cub scout banquet. Which we set up and attended last night from about 5:30-8:30. It was a great time. Mr. Man is so good at what he does, and all the boys just loved it. It's just that it cut into my studying big time. We came home, I let Mr. Man do bedtime while I got in an hour or so of studying before getting a migraine. Yup. Awesome night.

I woke up this morning not wanting to wake up. But my head was feeling better, so I popped some more pills before taking the bus to my mid-term which I hopefully aced. More classes, then the call in the middle of one of my classes.

We have a cell-phone that we hardly use. So when it rings (or beeps in my case) I usually know it's either one of the kids' schools, or Mr. Man. Since Mr. Man knows my class schedule, I knew right away it was the school. Mr. T was feeling sick and throwing up. I can't tell you how relieved I felt knowing that I had a valid excuse to cancel the rest of my day. Does that sound horrible?

I picked up the preschooler, the sickie and we've come home to just BE HOME. The sickie isn't THAT bad (don't think I'm too horrible) and is loving cuddling up and watching Star Wars, with the green puke bowl beside him just in case. The preschooler couldn't be happier, and we are busy playing doctor with big brother while having a PB&J. I was pleased as punch to email my professor to apologize for missing a class (that I really did NOT want to attend anyways), and it's just the perfect ending to a busy chaotic week. To just be home.

Picture Perfect

I have not being taking pictures like I used to. It's funny how when you have a new baby or young child the camera is never far. The benefit of having many babies is that as your other children grow up, they continue to be captured in moments as well. And now I have no babies, and sadly no new pictures. I need to change that. The picture thing, not the new baby.

The Preschooler went to his first birthday party on his own last week. So fun. He couldn't stop declaring to his siblings that it was JUST him who was invited. When I brought him, his good little friend came right over and gave him a hug. I missed my camera immediately, and the birthday girl's mother scooted her dad off the couch to run and grab the camera. He mumbled that the moment had passed, while she insisted he be ready for the next moment. And then he said something interesting. He commented that he used to be so obsessed with capturing everything on either video or camera that he feels like he missed out on a lot of the moments he was "capturing" but not "experiencing." He said he used to think that he would really cherish those videos and pictures when he was old and sitting around with no kids at home, and now it has hit him that he'll have grandchildren then to enjoy anyways.

I'm not an advocate for not taking any pictures, but I can see his point; and I've noticed it myself. Some of our funnest family times are when the camera is sitting in its case on top of the fridge. Slowing down and experiencing things while they happen; not just making memories, but living in them is really what life is all about.

"This moment is brought to you by..."

Like most people, I have a lot on my plate. And the fact that I'm still doing okay is a sure sign that my medication is working well. Thinking back to just a few months ago is scary. Thinking about being dependent on a drug to help me survive is slightly scary too. But right now, it's what I need, and I wouldn't dare to go off any time soon. Lately I've had fond experiences, happy thoughts and delightful moments. And I don't take any of these for granted. I relish in them and think about how grateful I am to be able to experience life again. And I also think, "This moment is brought to me by... Celexa!" I'm almost back to being me... and I know there are several steps I still need to make and take... but I'm definitely on the road to wellness and happiness. I'm so grateful for my doctor, husband and the inventors of anti-depressants. Right now, for me, they are a lifesaver.

Three

My three year old is driving me slightly mad. Mad meaning CRAZY. I have too much homework to take the time to go into details, but I thought it was funny to look back at my sweet giggly boy three years ago this month (his half birthday is coming up this week). Makes me smile amidst my growing insanity. And peeking in on him calmly sleeping is also rather heavenly. I need these moments after today.




Repeat to self: he is a sweet boy; he is a sweet boy; he is a sweet boy...

Agnes

We are a one car family by choice. Mr. Man seriously loves riding his bike, which almost makes us a two vehicle family (since he rides pretty much rain or snow). It forces us to communicate more in our juggling of family commitments, and it also limits what we can do or forces us to do it together. Not a bad thing. Except sometimes.

Like when I have to catch the bus.

But I'm even getting used to that.

I have Mr. Man's MP3 player so I get my scriptures in for the day while I walk and wait and ride. And then there's the entertainment provided by the people at my stop and those who get on and off the bus. Plus there's my rampant imagination that fills in all the blanks of the life stories of the people I barely meet.

Let me tell you about Agnes. I'm assuming her name is Agnes, of course. She's one of those older women whose name is either Lois, Gertrude, Ingrid or Agnes. And I picked Agnes for her. She walks slowly and trepidatiously up to the bus stop with her flashlight shining away in the dark. She always greets me happily and has a story or two to tell before she stands and studies (and comments on) the stars, satellites, airplanes, sun and sky life of the morning. She's got stories and opinions about every bus driver, politician and dog walking by. Just in our few minutes two mornings a week, I know a lot about this woman. Ironically, Mr. Man also knows a lot about Agnes from his bus rides with her as well.

Apparently last year some time she slipped on the ice and broke her ankle and couldn't work for a whole month. That's why she has the flashlight now. And then some nice young man told her about these wonderful things called Yak Trax. And now she wears them faithfully. That "nice young man" was my husband! We're trying to figure out how else we can positively influence her life.

The other day she suggested an idea that she is sure will make somebody millions: there must be some way to store all the melted snow here and then use it in the summer to water our lawns. Brilliant. Someone should come up with this, but you'll have to give some credit to Agnes. By the way, she also insists the end of the world is coming December 31st 2011.

XOXO

My three year old is pounding away on the piano downstairs, and it makes me love him.

I love that my kids say "versing" when they mean "against." For example, during games or play battles they will say "I'm versing you."

I loved picking out a gift for a niece with my daughter the other day. And realizing how grown up she is in that she no longer plays with princesses and also that she knows her cousin so well and wants to give her something she will love.

Making my kids groundhogs for breakfast on groundhog day - because they love that tradition. And of course we HAD to have donuts later that day.

I don't think any of us love doing homework, but I love when we are all downstairs together working on our individual homework by the fire.

I love being in Primary at church... would love to be a teacher though and not the president!

Love that my professor gave me 100% on a recent essay. Love that I know I deserved it. Do NOT love probability at all... and am pretty sure I will not even like my score on that test... but I digress.

I love that my favourite holiday is quickly approaching... what do you love today?

Attracted to Mothers

I know my depression is under control by the fact that I've once again become a Social Mother.

You've either been her or know her. She makes small talk with you while you wait for a child after school, or smiles when you pass each other in the halls while you each manhandle toddlers. Social Mother trades motherhood stories and tips with you while you "watch" a child play a sport or extra-curricular activity. Social Mother can spot another Mother a mile away and knowingly looks your way, as you immediately bond in your motherhood. That's the thing that gets me... how easy it is to spot another mother.

At school today I had a woman whom I have exchanged glances with in one of my classes come up and tell me how good she felt to know she wasn't the only other mother back in school. I mean, really? It baffles me how she could zero in on me and detect that, and yet I'd been wondering the same about her. She looks older (and so must I), she seems preoccupied and also doesn't text away on her phone waiting for our professor to begin - she's catching up on homework (as am I). And she just, well, has the mom-aura about her (and I guess I must too).

I'm enjoying being around other mothers again. I'm enjoying my role of mother again. I'm attracted to motherhood, and apparently to mothers! We're beautiful!

Dear Mom, we missed you!

We had a wonderful surprise this weekend. My Dad was working in the "west" last week and made it a priority to stop in and visit us for the weekend. Such a pleasant visit. Of course, we had to fit in as much as possible... but since we didn't do any projects or homework or errands, it was also incredibly relaxing. A mini-vacation for us as well (without the packing)!

After being pretty much run-over by all the kids at the airport, the first thing my Dad HAD to do when we got home was play RISK with the kids. We enjoyed pizza and movie night together too.

Saturday morning we went to a fun little donut shop where the slightly senile owner allowed the kids to make their own sprinkle donuts! Everything was delish, and the atmosphere enjoyable. Next we went to our local museum and then spent the afternoon at an indoor rock climbing center. This was our monthly family outing and we were so glad Dad could go with us - and CLIMB too!







Hot tubbing and movies to help us relax were definitely in order while our ribs baked. Then Dad hosted a party with his grandkids while Mr. Man and I went out on what you (Mom) call a "hot date." We shopped ALONE and then played games with some friends. Heavenly.

Sunday seems to have flown by and then I delivered Dad to the airport this morning. Wish you guys would consider the cute house up the street that's going for a GREAT price!!!

So there you go. The only thing missing from our weekend was you Mom! Everyone noticed your absence, and I even snapped a picture of Little E when he couldn't stand it any longer and called to talk with you. Still it was special to be spoiled by just Dad - I think it was a first!

Thanks for letting us have him.

Love,
your little girl

Before I forget...

My last child has left nursery. He was one of the oldest in the class for quite some time, but still one of the few who would scream and throw a fit every time we left him. Part of us wondered if he would do better going into Primary with his older siblings... and now that he is officially in the Sunbeam class, we get to see for ourselves. Our little Sunbeam (but don't call him that - he'll correct you and tell you he's not a Sunbeam, but he's his name!) is the only one in the primary room screaming and crying for 10-15 minutes... and I'm even THERE! It's horrible, I can't believe this kid. At dinner last Sunday we were talking about our day and Mr. Man asked our Sunbeam how his new class was. He admitted that he cried, but also added that he didn't like his one teacher because he didn't like what she does to him. That surprised me. He has an older couple as his teachers who are just the sweetest people ever. So I asked what was being done - all I ever see is him being comforted, hugged, and spoken to in order to try to calm him down. He told us in all seriousness, and with great animosity: "I cry and cry and my teacher pet me like a dog. I not a dog. I not a sunbeam. I Jonathan! I don't like her petting me anymore!" (name changed to protect my child:)

Cracked me up. Someday I hope he will laugh at the petting and the pain and anguish he caused his parents by crying every time we leave him for a minute.

Head Over Heels

I had to give a talk at church today. Oh help me. I hate giving talks. I was shaking hours beforehand, and I peed about every 2 minutes right up until I had to go sit up front. So much nervous energy. I think it went okay, and most importantly it's over. Mr. Man came up to me at the end of primary while I was standing in the doorway watching everything run itself, and rubbed his hand up and down my arm, and gave me a little squeeze. He told me how much he enjoyed my talk (this coming from a Man who LOVES giving talks and is one of the most amazing speakers you will ever hear). Not only that, but he gave me specific points and references to what he enjoyed. And the stress of the entire event suddenly seemed worth it. This amazing man noticed me and listened to me and loves me.

I can't tell you how much I adore this guy.


I just can't seem to get over him.

He is such a hard worker... at anything he does. Such a great dad and an even better husband.


He is constantly looking for ways to show me he loves me. And he does. He does love me and does show me.

Right before we moved here, a close friend gave me some special housewarming gifts, which I treasure. One was a bell. This friend had the sweetest quietest voice and when all of our children were off running in the field and forest behind our homes, she would call out in her quiet voice and her children would come running. I would have to scream and scream, and then still go after mine. And so I acquired a whistle. But dreamed of a bell - like a dinner bell. And she gave me a special bell when we moved, and it works wonders to summon my children from indoors or outdoors. Recently it broke. And I really wanted it to be fixed. Mr. Man has spent so much time and effort on getting it back to its original form. And this morning it was back on my window sill and rings beautifully. And now it holds even more meaning. (Look at me, all sentimental like a grandmother about my things!)

He can fix anything. He can build anything.


The other week he knocked down some walls and started making us a much needed mudroom. He sees needs and then he does everything in his power to meet those needs.
I fall for him again almost every day. This gorgeous, kind, funny man is such a blessing in my life. Not sure how he puts up with me. After years of training, I finally put the lid back on the toothpaste, but I still don't squeeze from the bottom. Sorry dear. I love you.

{picture taken by our three year old}

Spring Semester

I've officially survived my first full week of semester two of mature student status. I won't tell you how many credits I'm taking now (it's more than last semester by more than double) because everyone who knows tells me I can't do it, or shouldn't do it... and really I can and I'm going to and I want to get done sooner rather than sanely (or insanely) drawing this process out as long as possible.

I will tell you that my Tuesdays and Thursdays are L.O.N.G. days.

I get up way too early for my waking pleasure and catch a bus a half mile away at 7am.

The bus is a whole entertaining story... my goodness these people are hilarious. I think I may write my first novel about the happenings at the bus stop and on the bus. Surely after a semester's worth of riding I'll have plenty. It brings back so many bus memories from my teenage years too.

At any rate, I have back-to-back classes straight through till 2pm. An enjoyable half hour lunch break that I get to relish in with Mr. Man in his office.

Then I pick up The Preschooler (it is heaven having Mr. Man bring him so I don't have to deal with the guilt of him crying in my presence - he's really fine once I leave) and we find something to do for about a half hour (library, quick errand, naps...) before picking up the big kids from school.

Then we have a mini-break of normalcy - after school snacks and chats and maybe a friend or two before we do the one-vehicle family juggling of taekwondo and ballet drop offs and pick ups that both start and end at the same time.

Then dinner and baths and bedtime... and HOMEWORK for the queen.

I've been crashing as early as possible. Just two meltdowns so far (from me!)

But can I tell you the hardest thing for me to balance on those two long days: finding a new time and location for my morning poop.

I've been completely thrown off.

PS - I don't know why they call it spring semester here, since it won't be close to looking like spring till long after this semester is over.

Friendship?

Trust me, you want my boys to be your friends.

My two boys just came home from school with the following tale to tell.

Our neighbors were walking with them and another boy (about 8 years old, they claim) came up to our neighbor and stole his backpack. Wouldn't give it back for anything and ran off with it. Our neighbor was crying, worried about what his parents would say if he didn't bring home his backpack. So my two boys came to the rescue. They literally jumped the backpack thief. Mr. T ran up behind him and jumped on his back and wouldn't let go (like a riding cowboy - he claims) while Little E came up in front and hit him with his own back pack over and over again until he gave the backpack back to our neighbor.

My first response was horror at their behavior.
But I didn't show it.
I'm not sure how to react to this, so for now I'm putting it on the back burner of my mind, asking for advice and wondering what to teach them in regards to standing up for friends...

So... you think YOU have a lot of snow?

After a week in Arizona - this is what we came home to: (And Miss J is almost 5 feet tall now - and size 9 womans shoes...)
We own a shovel per family member at our house, and surprisingly Little E has been horrified this last week that he can't practice his new-found love of SHOVELING. We've actually had RAIN in January. We should be getting more snow tonight. I'm actually getting used to it... and I really do enjoy not having snow days - our town hasn't had school canceled due to snow in 20 years! The show, and the snow, must go on. You know you want to come visit!

(Now we understand why all the street signs are up so high!)

Burnt Offerings

We are lucky to have church at 11am for a while. I say lucky, in that we don't have to rush to get up and get ready right away on Sundays. I don't feel so lucky when my children and a room full of primary children I am trying to entertain teach are crazy hungry because it's well passed lunch time (our church goes until 2pm!)

At any rate, I had barely crawled out of bed this morning and Mr. Man was still sleeping when my two eldest boys came in bearing breakfast in bed. They kindly left us to be, to enjoy our breakfast, and then ran off to cook up some other surprises (and also make a nasty mess of my kitchen I might add). Our breakfast stared back at us: 2 tall glasses of water, and a plate full of four pieces of toast - well cooked toast that they had allowed to cool before adding layer upon layer of butter on each slice. I just couldn't do it. I swallowed the water (I am not an early morning drinker, and this was tough enough). And as I stared at what felt like our prisoners' rations, Mr. Man choked down some of the toast so that we could not only verbally thank them but also demonstrate our gratitude.

This had me wondering at what we must have made our parents choke down, and I remember staying on their beds to WATCH them suffer eat what we had made.

Mr. T and Little E were so thrilled with what they had done, they promised to bring us breakfast in bed EVERY Sunday. I tried to tell them nicely that that wasn't necessary and every once in a while was just fine. They were just so proud, how could I burst their bubble? Maybe I should have...

After our showers they approached us with their newest plan. They were going to make a restaurant on our front porch and sell toast. Cause who wouldn't love their toast - it's the best in the world. They would give out samples for a quarter, half slices for 50 cents and then a whole piece of toast for a mere dollar. They can't wait to start making money.

I think Mr. Man needs to give a little lesson on supply and demand.

For now, we'll be eating burnt toast with fondness.

(My house still reeks of it!)

everything is right on the surface

I'm sure I've mentioned before that the first time I dealt with depression I couldn't feel at all. I couldn't feel anything. The thing I missed the most was feeling love. I discussed with Mr. Man, in all seriousness, the option of giving my baby up for adoption. I couldn't feel love for my baby, and I also remembered feeling happy and love before... so maybe that would fix me. Mr. Man agreed with me that we would look into all the options, while silently freaking out inside. It pains me to see pictures of my first baby, because I was so far gone that I wasn't really present and don't remember much from that time. Maybe that's why I always ached for another baby girl, because I wanted to really experience enjoying a baby girl. I always felt cheated a little when I would find out time and time again that I was having another boy. But in a way, it's only just that I have my one little girl whom I cannot imagine ever being unable to love.

I remember when I was on the road to being healthy again that I was taking a shower when I suddenly began to feel again. We were living in Hawaii at the time, and in our shower there was a louvered window that you could literally look out from (if you were tall enough) while showering. I looked out and saw what a beautiful day it was, I could feel the sunshine. I could feel the water as it hit my body and cleansed me. And suddenly, on top of those two intense feelings, I could feel love again. Inside, I celebrated this moment. And I can still recall how significant this experience was to me; how incredible it is to "feel."

This time is different. This time I can feel too much. Everything is right there on the surface and I can barely contain myself with all that I feel. Tears are almost always there, brimming and pleading for escape. There are some of you out there who have done unbelievable things for me recently, and consequently overwhelmed me. I have spent hours crying after your deliveries, emails and phone calls have come. I don't feel like I deserve it; and yet I feel your love pounding through my veins. I feel too much and I don't know what to do with all that I feel.

Not feeling and feeling too much are both hard burdens to bear... at least for me.

Please bear with me as I try to sort through all of this. It's often too much for me to pick up the phone, or to reply to your messages of hope and advice. But it is very appreciated. Thank you.

Salt Lake City

We stopped here on our way home.

Ticket to Ride

The fact that I am feeling oh so behind in blogging all of our recent life happenings is a good sign!

Unfortunately we brought the cold and even snow down with us to Arizona! But we did have a couple of warm days first. (Thank goodness!) I think everyone's favourite outing was when we went horseback riding. We went to this great ranch where the kids all got to get dressed up in fun cowboy gear first, then we went on an hour long trail ride with a real cowboy as our guide. The Toddler (still need a new alias for my growing baby) stayed put with Grandma and then had a smaller ride of his own. (He wasn't so sure that we were coming back... check out his face!)

The kids were in their glory! Miss J was in heaven and loved every moment - from the dressing up, the ride, and caring and feeding her horse afterwards. She is a huge horse lover, like most little girls. The boys have no idea how little control they really had over their old-used-to-the-trail horses. Their horses were constantly stopping to eat, poop/toot or try to wander off and they just let them! At least they weren't as frightened as their first time horseback riding.

Mr. Man was given an obnoxious lazy horse who really needed a lot of prodding. One look at Mr. Man and our cowboy guide thought he'd be able to kick this stubborn hose into shape. Little did he know that Mr. Man has huge issues with animal cruelty and his idea of motivation was to become the horse whisperer and speak kind encouraging words. It didn't help that Mr. Man was way too big for his horse, and so the whole situation was quite humorous.

I also enjoyed riding, however, I admit I wished we had been permitted to go a little faster - a gallop would be nice! We weren't allowed to "budge" the other horses in our line on the trail, but my horse really wanted to and I wondered what anyone would say if I crept in front of them all and took the lead! It brought me back to my horseback riding days in Hawaii - did you know I once won a prize barrel racing? At any rate, it was an enjoyable experience and one we won't soon forget. We are grateful for grandparents who made this possible and shared it with us.

The Cliffs of Insanity

I couldn't do everything I wanted to this Christmas. For the first time in my life, we didn't have our gingerbread advent. We didn't do neighbor gifts, no Christmas cards or creative emails of our year in review. I barely pushed out teacher gifts and other somewhat meaningless traditions. We did have our tree, the lights went up (thanks to Mr. Man freezing his wazoo off) and we did our Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve so that we could eat leftovers Christmas day - best idea ever. As I started to pull down all the decor tonight, I realized there are mounds of books and movies that never got touched, crafts that are still in their packages, cookie cutters that didn't make any cookies, and warm fuzzies that sat up on the shelf and never got put in our jar. But even Christmas didn't wait for me to feel better. It came and went and I did my best to help my family appreciate the moments and the reason for the season. Even though I struggle to feel the spirit, even the Christmas spirit, at all these days.

The day after Christmas we left to go visit Mr. Man's dad. We had a 10 hour drive the first day and stopped at Bryce Canyon (see pictures). I didn't even know this place existed. It was beautiful, breath-taking and frightening. A couple of my kids crawled up the path, too scared to stand upright or peek over the edges. Right now that is how life is for me. I know it is beautiful and wonderful and breath-takingly amazing, and yet I am doing my best to merely crawl along the path and attempt a glimpse. Sometimes I am frozen stiff, and unable to move... completely afraid and sure I will fall. But I know that it's there. I know I can be happy and stand tall again someday.

I was scared to death of this trip. I haven't slept at night for months now - complete insomnia. And yet I nap and doze throughout the day. How would I do this at someone else's house. What if I broke down in tears at the worst possible moment, or screamed at someone who didn't deserve it? What if I just couldn't get out of bed and do what our hosts had so diligently planned for us to do? What if I couldn't smile or pretend to be happy? I cried almost the whole drive down. Worried sick and full of anxiety. Thankfully, despite a few bad moments, our week went well. And then, I cried on the way home because I didn't want to come back to real life.

I've been doing a lot of reading and seeking for help and healing. I'm learning so much and also feeling less and less alone in my journey. For a depressed person, I'm really quite normal! For those of you who cannot begin to even comprehend depression (but are still reading this for some strange reason), this analogy by Dick Cavett is helpful. He explains, "This is depression: You are lying on a couch in your living room feeling weighted down with a horrendous burden which renders you immobile. Ten feet away, there is a credenza and on the credenza is a magic wand. You know that if you could just get to the magic wand you could wave it and the magic would immediately restore you to health. But you are absolutely incapable of getting yourself off the couch."

I'm re-learning how to "think", and I'm trying to "do".

This week I am doing my in-school experience at a local Montessori school. I hope I can stand tall and do what I need to do there and at home.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I'll post more pictures of our trip soon.